Imogen, Obviously

by Becky Albertalli

“Want me to go get her?” asks Lili. “I’ll do it. I will turn this motherfucking car around so fast, so help me, God—”

We stan lili

You were hurt and I feel bad

FORKIN KITCHEN?!?!?

“Still a shitty apology.” She scowls. “She really sat there and typed, ‘You were hurt.’”

And, you know what, I knew she was going to pull something like this. I fucking knew it. She can’t handle anyone sticking one goddamn toe outside of whatever little box she’s shoved you into.”

She basically just said Tessa’s some kind of magic lesbian who attracts straight girls.”

But Gretchen Patterson of Penn Yan, New York, is not the final fucking word on other people’s queerness.”

“But I get where she’s coming from.” I bite my lip. “You want to know your safe space is actually safe.” “Safe for who?” Lili counters. “Yeah. That’s—hard. It’s complicated.”

“Probably because of toxic-ass Gretchen.

“Hey,” I say, peering up at her. “I love you.” She makes a face. “I do!” “I knowwww. And now I have to say it back, or else I’m an asshole.” She rolls her eyes, smiling faintly. “You earnest little bisexual. I love you, too.”

“Okay, but to her credit, she said sorry this time. Twice!” “Baby learned a new word?”

DEADDD

“It’s like there’s this idea that you have to earn your label through suffering. And then you have to prove it with who you date, how you dress, how other people perceive you.”

“Yup. Or else you don’t count. Fuck that shit, though. We don’t have to prove anything to anyone.” “Fuck that shit,” I say.

Maybe shared experiences shouldn’t be the foundation at all. Maybe it should be a promise to hold space for variation.

“I really like you.” She blurts. “And this doesn’t usually happen. Not, like, this much, and this fast, and—this is so not fair to you. You’ve barely even had a chance to work it all out in your head. I know last night was a lot. Like, it was so much, and I completely understand being freaked out. I think I overstepped—”

“I couldn’t sleep,” I say softly. My lips are so close to her ear, I don’t know whose raindrops are whose. “I was so aware of you.”

“I’ve never existed in the same space as someone like that. It’s so different from what I expected. Kissing’s so different from the inside. And I don’t think I really thought about what happens after—”

Like brushing your teeth, washing your face. Looking in the mirror. That stuff. And everything’s the same, but you’re different. Like you’ve unlocked this whole new part of yourself, and now you’re moving things around to make room for it. Recalibrating.”

She’s looking at me like I’m something to pin a wish on. A shooting star, a line of birthday candles, 11:11.

I want to laugh until I sob. I want to memorize this feeling—every shade, every shadow, from every angle. I slide my fingertips along her cheekbones, catching raindrops.

“Perfect,” Tessa says, kissing the crown of my head.

AWEEEE

Yeah, no. First of all, you know I’m not into dads.”

“Oh, you know. Just a little move I have called ADHD. Chick magnet. Works like a charm.”

“I don’t know. I just want you to be able to be in control of this one. You didn’t get that last time.” “Yeah.” My heart flips.

But I actually think the worst part came before that. When I stumbled over myself, trying to explain how I felt about Tessa. The way Gretchen treated the whole conversation like a movie she’d seen before. She was so amused by it all. So certain my feelings weren’t real. She didn’t leave even an inch of space to entertain the idea they could be.

Gretchen was the first person I came out to. Gretchen will always be the first person I came out to. Maybe one day we’ll talk about it. Maybe I’ll find the words, and she’ll find a way to hear them. Then we’ll cry and hug and years will pass, and we’ll move past it. It’ll be just a little bump in our backstory. Or maybe for us, it ends here. Maybe Gretchen’s my backstory.

IS: I just wonder IS: How long it would take him to notice an itty bitty sausage IS: In his itty bitty diorama

KR: UMMMM HOLD UP KR: SPEAKING OF GRAND GESTURES KR: TESSA WHY TF ARE YOU IN PENN YAN KR: WHAT DID I MISS KR: ARE YOU TWO GIRLFRIENDS?????

“I’d be a really good date. Wouldn’t blink in the pictures. Highly doubt I’d forget the corsage. Very devoted in general.” She nods solemnly. “In related news, I’m known to be an excellent girlfriend.”

“I want to be your girlfriend.” It leaps off my tongue before I can stop it. “Okay?”

“I can’t wait for the part where you kiss me,” I say. And it’s true: I can’t wait. I can’t wait, so I don’t.