My Roommate Is a Vampire
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Read between March 28 - March 29, 2025
2%
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“It’s only two hundred a month, Sam.”
Catherine Norris
IM SORRY TWO HUNDRED A MONTH IN THIS ECONOMY
2%
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If this person turned out to be an axe murderer or a libertarian or some other awful thing, a month-to-month lease would let me leave quickly with no strings attached.
6%
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Purchase decoy foodstuffs for both fridge & pantry in advance of Miss Cassie Greenberg’s visit.
11%
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I suppose she will do. Even if she is odd. Well think of it this way. If shes really THAT strange, you won’t be tempted to either eat OR fuck her right? Why do I still speak to you?
12%
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You know on second thought it would probably be good for you if you DID fuck your new roommate God knows its been long enough I am blocking your number as soon as I work out how that is done.
12%
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“It’ll be hard to plot throwing him off a building for breaking your heart and ruining your credit if he’s right there, sleeping in the next room.”
16%
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Do you eat sauce? I stared at my phone. Sauce? Yes. Do you enjoy eating it? Why I am presently at a store that sells cooking implements. An entire section of the store is dedicated to “saucepans.” Other customers seem quite enamored with them but before I purchase one for the apartment I wanted to confirm that sauce is something you eat. A bark of unexpected laughter escaped me before I could stop it. Who would have thought Frederick had such a dry sense of humor?
17%
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Do let me know when you have redecorated. I would very much like to see some of your work.
30%
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When I think about Cassie never returning to me it makes me sad. Waking up in the evening isn’t exciting anymore now that I know I won’t be seeing her face. So you’re into her, is what I’m hearing Absolutely not. I am NOT “into her.” I just like her drawings. And her everything.
39%
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“Over the past two weeks I’ve discovered that in this city of millions, you are one of a kind.”
39%
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“Do not think for one moment that you are replaceable, Cassie Greenberg,” he said. He sounded almost angry. “For you are anything but.”
45%
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“I . . . was once known for my straightforward demeanor,” he said, his voice just above a whisper. “It was an admirable trait among men at the time. I gather that now, one must mince words often in order not to offend.” He paused again. “None of this is intuitive to me. I feel I shall forever be a bumbling idiot in public.”
50%
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I tore my eyes from the broad expanse of his chest now covered in a forest-green Henley that fit him like a glove and met his gaze.
Catherine Norris
Not the henley lmao
56%
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Mr. Frederick J. Fitzwilliam’s Google Search History how do you kiss if it has been three hundred years since how can you know if she wants to kiss you is it a bad idea to kiss your roommate is it bad to think about or have sex with your roommate age gap relationships best breath mints
60%
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He wore a black apron over his clothes with the words This Guy Rubs His Own Meat in large white Comic Sans lettering.
Catherine Norris
And i oop
62%
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Lord and Lady James Jameson XXIII and Mrs. Edwina Fitzwilliam Do Hereby Request the Honor of Your Presence at the Wedding of Their Children miss esmeralda jameson and mr. frederick j. fitzwilliam
Catherine Norris
I BEG YOUR PARDON?!
69%
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“Who did this to you?” His voice was low, but urgent. “What happened?”
72%
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“Unfortunately, all I can do is somewhat involuntarily conjure fruit when I’m nervous.”
72%
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“You. Are. Amazing,” he murmured, each word punctuated with hard, feverish kisses to my lips, my jaw, my throat. I melted against him, feeling in danger at any moment of slipping down the wall at my back and falling into a puddle on the floor. “Frederick,” I breathed. His hands roamed my body possessively, leaving behind trails of heat despite the chill of his touch. I felt fever-bright and lighter than air. But he wasn’t finished. “You are kind, and generous,” he continued. “Even after you found out what I was you didn’t abandon me, because you knew I needed your help. In all my years I have ...more