My Roommate Is a Vampire

by Jenna Levine

Mr. Frederick J. Fitzwilliam’s Google Search History how do you kiss if it has been three hundred years since how can you know if she wants to kiss you is it a bad idea to kiss your roommate is it bad to think about or have sex with your roommate age gap relationships best breath mints

He wore a black apron over his clothes with the words This Guy Rubs His Own Meat in large white Comic Sans lettering. I huffed an involuntary laugh, momentarily forgetting what I’d been about to ask him. “What are you wearing?” He looked down at himself, then back at me. “It’s an apron.” “Yes, I can see it’s an apron, but . . .” I managed to convert the giggles threatening to escape me into a cough, but barely. “Where did you get it?” “Amazon.” He set his wooden spoon down on the stove and smiled at me, clearly proud of himself. I made a mental note not to let Frederick navigate Amazon on my laptop without supervision anymore. “I saw this apron and immediately thought, This message conveys competence in the kitchen. Which is exactly what I’d hoped to convey as I prepared your meal.”

“Some vampires have impressive abilities like turning wine into blood, or being able to fly, or turning back time,” he continued ruefully. “Unfortunately, all I can do is somewhat involuntarily conjure fruit when I’m nervous.”