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“I don’t want to survive. I want to thrive.”
“I want all of you. Every single part of you. I want to know everything about you: all your history, and every thought that comes into your head. Every desire, no matter how dark or how perverse. Every fantasy, no matter how impossible it may seem. And most of all, Mara, I want to occupy your thoughts like you occupy mine. I want you obsessed with me, bound to me, dependent on me. I want you to live for me, not just with me.”
“I’m not trying to change who you are. I’m trying to reveal it. A diamond can’t shine until it’s cut.”
“Fuck being clean,” I snarl. “I’ll sleep in a dumpster if I feel like it.” Cole’s chuckle is what tips me over—rich and wicked, vibrating down to my bones. “I know you would, you little psychopath.”
The man who never cared about anyone is fixated on the girl nobody gave a shit about. In some twisted way, we’re made for each other.
Cole has discovered a fatal weakness, one I didn’t even know I possessed. Vibration is my kryptonite, and Cole is employing it with Lex Luther levels of evil genius.
Some mistake has been made: I died, heaven exists, and they let me in.
“He’s different since he met you. He smiles occasionally. And he hasn’t made Janice cry in weeks.”
She loves to be praised—she can’t get enough of it. She’d probably take a compliment over a body-shaking orgasm.
“I know you can’t be broken. I’m still testing if you can be tamed …” Mara catches my thumb in her teeth, biting down. “You’re not tame yourself.”
She’s out of her fucking mind, and so am I. Our madness aligns in all the right ways.
And that is the one thing in which I never disappoint them. They can always count on me to fuck up.
“Why would I do that? We made an agreement. You can work here as long as you want, if you don’t mind me camping out in the corner. I’ll admit, it’s not just to protect you. I have to be around you. I’m addicted to you. You fuel me, you light me up inside. Just knowing you’re in the house enlivens me. I can’t go back to the way I was before. I’m afraid of it.”
The day I met Cole, I was dying. Maybe I did die. Through Cole, I was reborn.
She hung herself that afternoon. Years later, I read the last entry in her journal: I can’t change him. He’s just like them.”
“I love you!” she cries. “I fucking love you. Your life starts here, today, now that I’ve told you.”
In that moment, I finally realize what Mara knew all along: She won’t die like that rabbit. I WILL keep her safe.
“I only told that story for you.” “What do you mean?” “You looked bored. Something inside me whispered, ‘Say something funny. Make her laugh.’ ”
“I would never let you down with food,” Cole promises solemnly. “I know it’s your top priority.” “I better quit making it my top priority. I think I’ve gained eight pounds since I moved into your house.” “I like it,” Cole says. “It’s making your tits bigger.” I slap his shoulder. “Shut the fuck up!”
“I’m gonna feed you so much fucking cheese,” he teases me. I can’t stop laughing. “Please, no. I’ll be four hundred pounds.” “I want to drown in your breasts. What a way to die.”
That was a memory I returned to in times of stress or pain. I believed the cat was there to take care of me. I believed it for years.
I wouldn’t be that chipper on zero sleep, but good for him.
I don’t want to be another fucked-up girl with daddy issues. But god, it’s nice to have a daddy.
We learn to imitate sympathy, interest, humor … but like Alastor’s Rolex, some counterfeits are better than others.
“Not back then,” she says, “But don’t worry, I’ve become much more shallow. Now I notice them every minute of the day.” “Thank you,” I say, tossing my hair and smoothing it back with both hands.
Not one snake but two, the black and the white. We are the same. And I like what we are.
That’s what loving her means—I want her safe, protected, flourishing, whether it benefits me or not.
