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He reminds me of a pitcher plant, exuding sticky sweetness to lure in flies.
I feel no sympathy. No guilt. Those are emotions I’ve never experienced. I’m aware, academically, of the full range of human emotions. I’ve studied them intently so I can mimic their effects. But they have no power over me. What I do feel, I feel intensely: rage, revulsion, and pleasure.
I have to keep tight control upon them, or I’ll be no better than Shaw, a slave to my impulses.
I’m not referencing my own ego, which is indestructible.
He’s wearing a black suit, flawlessly tailored, incongruous in this barren place. It stands out starkly against the pale flesh of his throat and hands. His black hair, thick and lustrous, frames the most beautiful face I’ve ever seen.
I’ve never met anyone as intelligent as me, or as talented. Other people are weak and emotional—slaves to their impulses. Constantly making promises they can’t keep, even to themselves.
This obsession with Mara consumes me. It’s all I think about. It directs every action I take. I’ve never felt so out of control—which upsets me.
My fantasies have always been a stage spread below me, on which I arrange the actors like a director. I indulge them at will.
“Evil men always want to justify what they do,” she says. “And it’s not by telling you all their reasons. No . . . they want to push you, and bend you, and break you until you snap. Until you do something you thought you’d never do. Until you can’t even recognize yourself. Until you’re as bad as they are. That’s how they justify themselves . . . by trying to make you the same as them.”
And it’s not one mask—it’s dozens. I watch him lift each to his face, one after another, each tailor-made for the person with whom he converses.
“An eternity of boredom sounds worse than death. And heaven sounds pretty fucking boring.”
“Bad girl . . .” he growls in my ear. “You can’t keep your hands off what you want . . .”
Also, I’m starting to realize that what entices me about Mara is the contact high I get when I’m near her. She feels things so intensely that it makes me feel them too.
