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If the kids have done their homework, if the person you’re with is kind and knows how to laugh at themselves, if you’ve remembered to call your best friend back then that is really quite good. Everything else is just sprinkles.
The really successful people – I mean the spectacularly smart ones – seem to be gardening and reading books and pottering about (have you seen their Insta stories? They’re literally drinking martinis on a barge). Let’s emulate that. Relax, don’t show off about being busy, boast about being idle, then you’ve done something truly right.
HE CAN’T GET A CAB
HE DOESN’T HAVE ANY FRIENDS
HE SPLITS THE BILL
HE BELIEVES IN STAR SIGNS
HE HAS AN OPINION ABOUT YOUR APPEARANCE
HE GIVES YOU ANYTHING WITH A PLUG
HE OWNS (AND USES) EYE CREAM
HE SAYS HE’LL BABYSIT HIS OWN CHILDREN
IF HE TALKS ABOUT HIS CAREER BUT YOUR JOB
HE’S THE BEST LOOKING MAN IN THE ROOM
‘Girls,’ she said, ‘you’ll learn that, in life, high expectations are a killer.’
Avoid the hype and, equally, try not to oversell everything before people get a chance to see it for themselves.
Just sometimes we need to be reminded of gobsmacking, heart-thumping, stop-you-in-your-tracks beauty.
Search for the right ones, fit round them, hold on to them tightly and don’t let them go.
Squirrel Etiquette
HE LAUGHS AT YOUR JOKE MORE THAN ONCE
That – right there – is what you want: someone who doesn’t steal your thunder, who wants everyone to think ‘lucky him’ rather than ‘lucky her’. And that makes you both lucky. If he gets crotchety when the spotlight is on you, if he starts to comment on something else when you’re in the middle of a joke then he’s a bit of a tool. Or just insecure. But neither is going to work. Stay with the boy who always thinks you’re the greatest in the room, as that will last.
HE LOVES HIS MOTHER Not too much, not more than
HE NEVER USES EXCLAMATION MARKS
HE’S KIND TO THE PERSON WHO TAKES HIS ORDER
HE PROPERLY TALKS TO YOU
HE LAUGHS AT HIMSELF
HE RUNS YOU A BATH
HE MAKES DINNER WITH APLOMB
HE ASKS US WHAT WE’D LIKE AND LISTENS
HE’S NOTICED WHAT PERFUME YOU WEAR
IF HE DOESN’T THINK ONLY YOU DO THE KIDS
HE UNDERSTANDS THAT YOUR GIRLFRIENDS ARE SACROSANCT
WHAT WE SAY WHAT WE MEAN Thanks for that information Shh I’m so sorry I’m late I almost didn’t come I’d love to do that Please don’t make me I’ve just eaten I’m on a diet I think he’s interesting Your new boyfriend is awful No, no, it looks good Don’t wear it again Are you going to eat that? Give it to me He’s a bundle of energy Control your son Where’s that from? I’d like it for Christmas You’re such an inventive cook This is inedible I’ll check with him/her We’re not coming What do you want for dinner? Please make it
But it’s unfair to think your partner can fill you up to the brim. You need friends and family and laughs and great boots and everything else in between. It’s too much to think he alone will be enough – too much pressure on him, on you, on the relationship. The truth is, if he gets to near the 80 per cent mark then that’s excellent – but you’ll need to find the rest from somewhere else.
DO YOUR HOMEWORK
BE A GEEK
MANNERS MATTER
DON’T COMPARE AND CONTRAST
You want to be good enough for your parents and your siblings and your partner and your friends and, if you have them, your kids. Everything else is just croutons. Don’t want somebody’s life, take full responsibility for your own.
MAKE THE TEA
SAY AN EARLY NO
NOTHING HAPPENS AFTER MIDNIGHT
LOVE FIERCELY
CLAUD, IT’S NOT A COMPETITION
There. Is. No. Race. That finishing line is invisible, it’s just a figment of your imagination, so stop trying to reach it before the others. We’re here for five minutes; enjoy the view.
