Maestro

by Auden Dar

Every available surface in this suite was graced by our desperation to reconnect and repair the damage we had created.

Dad always calls me “my love,” but I can’t remember the last time he said, “I love you.”

“Do you like it?” “It’s beautiful. I… I love it.” “Good,” he says, pausing for a second. “Because you inspired it.” “I did?” “I always wanted a muse.” He unlocks a soft smile. “I found her in you.”

At my lesson, my instructor told me Berlioz was so enthralled with Harriet Smithson’s performance of Ophelia, she inspired him to compose Symphonie Fantastique. After hanging out with you today, I know how he felt.

Heartbreak walked through the door that day. Hi Aurelia, I’m heartbreak. Nice to meet you. I’ve been living quietly in your home. I’m the reason your mom silently weeps every night.

I half-smile because I want to enjoy the ride with Chad. “I get it,” I say, wondering if he could hear my heart beating in triple time. “It would be amazing to attend Juilliard together.”

Weak, SWV

Cocking his head to the side, he asks, “What happened to your chin?” Of course, he would notice. “I burned it.” “How?” “Curling iron,” I answer, pointing to my geriatric hairdo. “I thought it looked different,” Chad says. “You’re beautiful just the way you are. No need for makeup and curls. I love your natural hair.”

I never want Chad to stop orchestrating the rhythm of my heart.

“Aurelia, you’re more than my forever friend. You’re more than my girlfriend. You are and will always be her. The person I love the most. No matter where we are in our lives, you’ll always be her. Never forget that,” Chad says, his eyes filled with promise. “I love you.”

My head knows it’s over. But my heart? It still clings to him. It hopes. It jumps. It beats. This heart of mine is stupid.

Life would be so much easier if I hated him. But I don’t. It isn’t his fault I was living in La La Land, imagining his love for me to be much more.

My fingers continue to push down on the strings too hard; I’m surprised they’re not bleeding. I play how I feel. Mourning the death of something I cherished.

My fingers long to touch his face. My lips crave to press against his, even if only for a second. At the same time, I want to scream. I want to push him. I want to slap his face. I want to tear him apart. I want him to hurt. I want him to feel my pain.

The pit is empty save for the girl whose grief seems to grow. How is it possible to grieve for someone whose heart still beats? How is it possible my heart is barely beating? I wish I’d known falling in love can lead to falling apart.

“Whatever they’ve done, it was to protect me.” “You needed protection from me?” he asks, surprised. “You broke my heart.” “Yes, I broke your heart. But you broke all of me. To wake up one day, and not see you or hear your voice.” My heart snags on his words.

My mother’s eyes shine in this soft light. She scoots her chair a little closer before resting her hand on top of mine. “You forgive, Aurelia. That’s how you move on. You forgive Chad for his youthful mistakes. You forgive him for breaking your heart. You forgive because you love him. You cast your pride aside and allow all the wonderful memories, his beautiful qualities, to trump his mistakes. Even the grave ones. Otherwise, you may lose the love of your life. Forgive him. Allow yourself to love again.”

Like a man praying at an altar, he kneels in front of me. “Let me just see you. All of you,” Chad says as he leans over and kisses me through my underwear before taking them off. “So beautiful.” He runs his fingers through the thin strip of hair at my mound. “I hated the thought of other men worshipping you the way I’m about to. But at least I knew none of them would make you feel the way I do. I’m going to fuck you until you know it, too. Until you feel all my hurt and pain.”

Heartbreak is an incurable disease. At times, it’s dormant. Quiet. But you know it’s there, taunting as it lingers. Occasional flare-ups that intensify after periods of remission. I’m living with this disease, learning how to manage it. Own it.

“I’m trying my best to give you space,” he says. “But it’s fucking impossible when you’re the person I want to share everything with.” I don’t counter with any words of my own. To keep my heart intact, I should disentangle myself from Chad’s hold and leave. Instead, I stay. Because here in the darkness, where our hearts beat loudly, is where I belong. With him.

My heart hammers against my chest when I touch Chad’s cheek with my forefinger. “I’m so proud of you. You’ve become the maestro.” “But that’s not who I am,” he tells me. “I’m the boy who fell in love with you at thirteen, loves you at thirty-three, and who will love you until his last dying breath.” His words burn inside me, like a fire being lit. If I allow it to rise, it will consume me.

“You see, Aurelia, this is the deal. It’s your smile I see every time I close my eyes. I hear your laughter in every melody played.” His eyes are warm and filled with so much love. “It’s been like this for over twenty years and no matter what happens, I’ll continue to love you.”

“What if it’s too late for us?” I ask, voicing my concern. “Love has no time limit.” “You sound so sure.” “Because I am.”

I’m prepared to get on my knees. Grovel. I’ll do anything she wants. “I don’t want to be without you anymore,” I tell her. “I’m not going anywhere without you ever again.” I’ll fight anyone and anything getting in our way. My fucking sword is ready for battle. I’m going to conquer her heart.

“You’re as essential as the air I breathe, the water I drink, the music I play. Without you, I’m barely breathing. Barely existing. I refuse to be without you.”

Closing my eyes, I see Chad’s, brilliant and piercing. I remember the excitement they held when he urged me to play this piece for my audition. He said to play the music I love and to play for myself. I look over at Chad, peaceful. I’m playing the music I love, but this time, I’m playing for you. The man I love. An avalanche of tears streams down my face as I play Rachmaninoff’s Élégie. Each note reminds me of him—our love. The wonder in first love, the unexpected heartbreak, loss, and most of all, the beauty in pain. When I play this melody, I’m vulnerable, exposing myself. The melody expresses, I can’t be without you. I refuse to be without you.