Maestro

by Auden Dar

“If I’m not here after your audition, it was nice meeting you,” he says. “Don’t forget me. Chad David. The cute English boy with two first names.” I laugh a little, because I’d forget how to play the suite before I’d ever forget Chad David.

I almost scream when Chad dives on the bed beside me. I am lying on my bed with a boy. We are horizontal on a soft surface. In an empty house. No adults. I’m breaking mom’s rules right now. This has to be illegal in some countries. I’m dead meat if we get caught and nobody will know where to sprinkle my ashes. Even though we’re not fooling around, if my dad caught us right now, he’d end up behind bars in Sing Sing. No one would find Chad’s body.

“I don’t know why you’ve never been kissed.” “Because I’ve been waiting for you.”

Be mine for always.

I’ve been yours since day one. It’s taken you three and half years to realize it.

I was going to give you a lifetime.

“Sorry to break it to you, but this…” I point to my blotchy face. “This is what heartbreak looks like.”

I FELT this. You never forget your first heartbreak.

Just because I’m young, it doesn’t mean I don’t feel the weight and anguish of a broken heart. Heartbreak doesn’t exclude youth. I’ve become the poster child for heartbreak. The pit is empty save for the girl whose grief seems to grow. How is it possible to grieve for someone whose heart still beats? How is it possible my heart is barely beating? I wish I’d known falling in love can lead to falling apart.

“Why does it hurt so much? I feel like I can’t breathe. I don’t want to get out of bed. I don’t want to go to school anymore.”

Chad reaches for my hand. “It’s been too long.” Yes, too long, but not enough time for me to get over you. And I’m sure I’ll never get over you.

“You broke my heart.” “Yes, I broke your heart. But you broke all of me. To wake up one day, and not see you or hear your voice.” My heart snags on his words.

And you promised me… you promised me we’d always be friends. And you promised you’d always love me. That’s the thing about promises. They become impossible to believe after they’ve been broken so many times.

Even if I ran to the end of this world, I’d never be able to run away from love. Love clings to a beating heart. And mine still beats for Chad.

There’s a difference between being fulfilled and fulfilling one’s dream.

“What is the most important part of a violin?” he asks. “The body,” I answer, straightening my back. “The strings.” “No, dear.” He sounds like a teacher frustrated with a student. “The case. It protects the violin. The damage begins once the violin is exposed, losing its ability to perform. The more you play the violin, the more valuable the instrument becomes. But as it sits out in the open, exposed to the elements, nothing can protect it. Even an exposed Stradivarius can become nothing more than a useless piece of wood if it’s not protected with care.” I sit quietly, pondering his words. My eyes, now cast down, focus on my fidgeting hands. “Do you understand, Aurelia? I raise my head and all I see is determination etched in the maestro’s face. Moving his chest slightly forward, he tells me, “I am the case, my dear. I protect the violin. I protect my grandson.” Emil ducks his head so we’re seeing eye to eye. “Tell me you understand.” I swallow the air, feeling suffocated in this great hall where many have lived out their dreams. Where mine is quickly being shattered into tiny pieces, each one streaming down my cheeks. “You, my dear, are the elements. The wind. The rain. The elements that can destroy my grandson’s future.” I shake my head, refusing to believe Emil. “I can help protect Chad,” I tell him. “I love your grandson. I want him to be the best. He is the best.” “But he isn’t the best as long as you’re in his life.”

Only a few are great while the rest,” he says, pointing to me, “are there for the ride. The greatness you love in Chadwick is one you’ll never have. That’s why you love him.” Each word is a slap to my face. “Chadwick is our Mozart and you, my dear, are Salieri.”

“You’re a musician,” Emil says, his voice flat. “Music is our daily bread. Our coffee. Our air. It’s what keeps us alive. But for Chadwick, it is more than that. It is his life. It is his first and only great love.” Emil is locked in his chair, unflinching. He stares down at me. “Life is made up of choices. But in this case, there isn’t one.”

“What’s not enough?” Chad asks again, his face an inch away from mine, his nostrils flared. Words have power. And I’m going to use them like artillery. Three words burst out of me like bullets intending to hurt. To damage. “You’re not enough,” I hear myself say, our hearts breaking beneath the lie. His entire body goes rigid, too surprised to move. One heartbeat. Two heartbeats. Three heartbeats. He releases my hand, and I feel like I’ve lost a limb. He takes a step back. His head shakes from side to side, his eyes glaring at me like he’s never met me before. What have I done? Exactly what Emil wanted. Damage done.

“Leave, Aurelia. You’re good at it.” Leave him. Let him hate you for now. This is temporary. I slowly turn away from him and my head drops in shame, like the withering peony on the table.

Then Chad raises his head, his eyes red with pain. A broken smile across his face. Opening his bloodied fist, a solitary sapphire stone surrounded by diamonds rests on his palm. Sparkling.

want to know if you’ve missed me as much as I’ve missed you,” he whispers in my ear. Missed you? I feel like I’ve died a thousand deaths since our breakup.

In the early morning, Emil leaves a voicemail message. “We have a deal, Aurelia. Chadwick needs to fulfill his commitments, his legacy.” I slip on last night’s dress and ballet flats. On a blank sheet of paper, I write: I’m so proud of you. Love, Aurelia

Aurelia—” “Yes?” “You’re still her,” he says. “You’ll always be her. The one I love the most.”

It’s been a whirlwind romance,” she says. Fucking whirlwind romance. I’ll show you whirlwind romance when I toss you and all the shit out the window.

I was ready to shove her out that window

Chad kisses Sera, his eyes locked on mine the entire time; they’re somber and apologetic. I’m sorry for everything. As the bride and groom walk out of the cathedral, Chad turns his head around. Our eyes meet again. I trap my bottom lip with my teeth and nod. Go ahead. Live a life without me.

I’m standing in front of a large bronze mirror when Chad’s mother walks in. Renna closes and locks the door behind her. She smiles through pressed lips, then opens her arms wide. I move forward into them, allowing myself to be comforted. After only a few seconds and without warning, we both break down in tears, grieving together. For our loss.

“I’m leaving for LA tomorrow,” I say. The words are rushed, as if afraid I’ll change my mind. “If you think I can be in the same city and watch you play house with Sera, then you don’t know how much I loved you. Still love you. Do you understand? I fear I’ll never get over you, and this hurts so much. I love you more than you can ever imagine.”

“This hurts so much.” “I don’t know what to say except I’m sorry for breaking your heart.” “This is more than breaking my heart.” “Aurelia,” he says with anguish. “This pain is unbearable,” I say, my heart faltering. Lost. “Seeing you with her. Hearing you say those vows. They should’ve been mine.” “Please forgive me.” I hear the grief in his voice as he rocks me gently. “Chad.” My voice cracks. “This is beyond what I can handle. There’s only so much my heart can take.”

Even as I think there is no way I can keep my friendship with Chad, my mother’s words ring in my head: You forgive, Aurelia. That’s how you move on. You forgive Chad because you love him. It’s what you do when you love someone. You cast your pride aside. You allow all the wonderful memories, his beautiful qualities, all the things you love, to trump his mistakes. Even grave ones. Otherwise, you may lose out on having the most important person in your life. Then your heart will forget how to love.

He leans so our foreheads touch. “If I could go back to that day when you said you didn’t want me… you didn’t want my love… I would’ve fought. I would’ve fought harder, made you see our love was worth the fight. Worth drawing a sword for. If I could go back, I would’ve fought anyone who came between us. And that includes my grandfather.”

I never wanted you to live with regrets.” “But look at us now,” Chad says. Regrets are all we seem to carry with us.

“I can’t take back the past,” he says. “But I pray somehow, some way, you’ll forgive me and… you’ll stay in my life.” Tears spill from his eyes as he tilts my chin. “You are and will always be my great love.”

My almost thirty-year-old self has learned it’s easy to let go of those who were a blip in my life. But it’s impossible to part with those who you love, even when they’ve broken your heart. And this baby is a part of the man I love.

When I was a little girl, in tears, Mom would stroke my hair and whisper, “This too shall pass.” But this—whatever this is—will never pass. Heartbreak is an incurable disease. At times, it’s dormant. Quiet. But you know it’s there, taunting as it lingers. Occasional flare-ups that intensify after periods of remission. I’m living with this disease, learning how to manage it. Own it.

I’m barely okay until he leans in and kisses Sera’s forehead. My heart plunges. If he didn’t love her a few months ago, he loves his wife now. That moment. That baby. That kiss on the forehead. They should have all been mine.

“There will be more great loves in your life.” “What if I don’t want more great loves?” I say. “I just want the one. The only one.”

I’d like to pack a bag, walk out the door and magically arrive in the beautiful land of Away. Then I’m filled with sadness, because I’ve learned Away isn’t a place. You can go around the world, but whatever you’re trying to get away from comes with you in your suitcase. I flew to LA after Chad’s wedding, and after all this time, the baggage of memories remains by my side.

“Aurelia, for once, please tell me what you want.” “You know what I want?” I raise my voice. “I want you. I want what we should’ve had all these years. But that’s not going to happen. You’re married and you have obligations. I’m dealing with it.” “I want us,” Chad says, emphasizing each word. “You want us again?” “I’ll always want us.” I want us. I want you. I want everything with you. This time, I’ll never let you go.

“Are you still married?” “I am, but—” he says, sadness marring his face. “I’ve always been yours.” Those four words unhinge me for a few seconds. “Well, I’m no longer yours,” I say, believing the words to be true. As I’m walking out, Chad calls after, “Don’t think I’ve forgotten all the dreams we’ve shared.” I look back. “I stopped dreaming as soon as you said ‘I do,’ to someone else.”

“I’m so proud of you. You’ve become the maestro.” “But that’s not who I am,” he tells me. “I’m the boy who fell in love with you at thirteen, loves you at thirty-three, and who will love you until his last dying breath.”

“I have to ask you to do something I never thought I would,” I say as I twist my engagement ring. “Tell me.” His voice is soft, his blue eyes watery and pleading. I also feel a sense of panic. Closing my eyes, I no longer see the man in front of me. Instead, it’s the man with green eyes waiting for me at my loft. Ready to make me his wife. Either I break the promise I made to Chad years ago, or I allow the promise to break what’s left of me. My heart drops to my feet when I say, “Please let me go.”

No one ever told me we can grieve for the living.

“My greatest performance was hiding a broken heart.”

“You see, Aurelia, this is the deal. It’s your smile I see every time I close my eyes. I hear your laughter in every melody played.” His eyes are warm and filled with so much love. “It’s been like this for over twenty years and no matter what happens, I’ll continue to love you.” Every part of my being shouts with joy, yet I’m quiet, savoring his words. “I don’t want to ask if love will wait for us.” He raises my hand to his lips. “I’m tired of trying to cope with regret. I don’t want life to pass us by and find us sitting at some event, seats apart, miserable.” “What if it’s too late for us?” I ask, voicing my concern. “Love has no time limit.” “You sound so sure.” “Because I am.”

I have no more words. Nothing can bring back the last six years of my life. If it weren’t for Sera, I’d be married to the only woman I’ve ever loved. But I can’t forget my greatest joy. Astor. My son. One who isn’t mine.

“You either lose Astor or you lose her,” Sera says. “Your decision.”

“You’ve broken my heart so many times, but this time… Your words… The way you see yourself… It’s shattering what’s left of my heart. I’m losing you—both the boy I loved and the man I’m with now. I can’t imagine what you’re going through, but I need you to come back to me.”

“They say I’ve captured the world’s heart,” Chad says. “I only wanted to capture yours.”

“You captured it when we were thirteen.” I laugh lightly. “You’ve owned it ever since.”