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“Love is a symphony,” my cello teacher, Ms. Luz, said once. “The movements mirror the progression of a love affair. From the opening sonata form, something unexpected hits you. It’s fresh, raw, exhilarating. Full of hope and promise. By the second and third movements, you’re consumed with one another. It’s passionate and heart-wrenching. An emotional rollercoaster preparing us for the fourth movement. The finale, one we anticipate with bated breath, can be glorious or… tragic.” Ms. Luz was right. A symphony is like a love affair. It’s a journey that takes your heart to many places. Ms. Luz was
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The boy I gave all my firsts to. The boy who not only captured my heart but also became a master at breaking it. The article quotes the Maestro: “I was thirteen when I met my one and only muse. All my compositions and all the music I perform are inspired by her. She’s in every note, melody, and phrase.”
CHAD: Do me a favor. ME: What now, Charles? CHAD: Cue your CD to Coldplay’s “Yellow.” Turn off your bedroom light. Lie down, close your eyes and open them when Chris sings, “Look.” I take the Sony Discman from my bookshelf and advance it to the fifth track on Parachutes and put on my headphones. The window is half open. Heat and humidity touch my bare skin. The street is dark, save for the lit lamp posts. I follow Chad’s instructions, lie in bed and hit play. Turning over, I flip off the bedroom light and close my eyes. When Chris Martin sings, “Look,” I open them. Oh my God! I can’t believe
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I dream of all our firsts. Our first time hanging out in your home in Forest Hills. The first time we lay side by side in bed. I wanted to kiss you then as much as I want to kiss you now. Or our first date. Even with your burned chin, you were still the prettiest girl I’ve ever laid my eyes on. Promise me you’ll never use a curling iron again.
“I don’t know how to do this,” he says. His hands are clasped in front of him. The most beautiful hands God ever created. “Do what?” “Not touch you.”
“It’s taking a lot of fucking restraint not to kiss you right now. But I’ll wait.” I’d like to scream out loud, I want you. Instead, I say, “I just need some time.” “I know,” he says, his eyes locked on mine. “I want you more than anything I’ve ever wanted. I’m going to wait for you. But you need to know”—he kisses the back of my hand—“when it happens, you’re not running away.”
“I’ve lived without you and it’s a fucking shitty way to live. I tasted you in every drop of liquor. I heard your voice in conversations. I saw you in every woman who walked by. I never want to be without you.” He brushes the hair away from my face. “I love you.” I love you too. “I loved you even when we were apart. I’ll still love you regardless of what happens between us. I never want you to feel alone again. I want a permanent residence in your heart.” He places his palm across my chest. “Your heart only, Aurelia.”
I wandered around our city, lost. Always searching for you. I knew you’d left, but I still looked for you.” “You did?” “I did. Because this”—Chad points between us— “is everything.” “Everything?” “Everything.”
“What we have is inexplicable. Undefinable. Even music would be hard-pressed to express what we have. How much I fucking love you.
“You know why?” I press my lips so tightly, they’re probably purple. “Because no one will ever love you the way I do. No one.” He exhales and I can actually feel the heat radiating off of his body. “And no one…. no one… will ever believe in you the way I do.” Although he tries to sound cold and unfeeling, the slight tremble in his voice reveals the pain underneath it all.
“Just know this.” The tone in his voice pulls me back. And for a second, I’m immobile. “No one will ever fuck you the way I do.”
“If I’m not dating you, I’m not dating anyone,” I read. “I love you so much it’s frightening,” he says. “The thought of you with someone else fucking kills me. I want us to be exclusive.”
My right eye opens, and I see Sera leaning forward, lips puckered up. Chad kisses Sera, his eyes locked on mine the entire time; they’re somber and apologetic. I’m sorry for everything. As the bride and groom walk out of the cathedral, Chad turns his head around. Our eyes meet again. I trap my bottom lip with my teeth and nod. Go ahead. Live a life without me.
Sophomore year at LaGuardia, we studied the heart in biology class. I learned terms such as “cardiovascular disease,” “heart attacks,” “blocked vessels,” and other conditions that prevented the heart from functioning properly. Mr. Henler never mentioned the heart could stop beating from loss. Not of blood or circulation, but from losing the love of one’s life.
I’ll allow the memories. The warmth of his first touch and the sweet taste of his first kiss. The steady rhythm of my heart beating in time with his. I’ll close my eyes and see his dancing eyes capture mine, as if he knows every little secret my heart possesses. The curve of his bottom lip as it slowly forms a smile because he knows he holds my heart and all it carries.
“Nothing… nothing would have threatened what I felt for you, still feel for you. I loved you. I still love you so fucking much.” “I took a risk leaving you, wanting you to live your dream,” I say, as my confession brings on more heartache. “Fulfilling your destiny.” “Did you ever consider that maybe our destiny wasn’t about music… that maybe it was as simple as us being together?”
“I can’t take back the past,” he says. “But I pray somehow, some way, you’ll forgive me and… you’ll stay in my life.” Tears spill from his eyes as he tilts my chin. “You are and will always be my great love.”
“How can I go when I’m still missing a part of me?” He rests his forehead against mine. “And that’s you.”
“Thank you for always being my best friend,” I say, past the lump in my throat. “For always being there when I need you.” “I don’t want to be there when you need me.” He tightens his hold on me. “I want to be here, with you, for everything. I love you.” “I love you too.” I pull away from him and open the door. “I’ll always love you, but I won’t wait for you.”
May 18, 2004 My visit with Mr. Koser today brought me back to our first meeting. I thought you were the prettiest girl I had ever seen. I imagined kissing you in that theater. Holding your hand. Even copping a feel. When you left for your audition, I wanted to kick myself for not asking you out. But we were only thirteen. After I performed for the committee, I ran around looking for you. And when I saw you at the crowded cafeteria, I just knew. It didn’t take me years to see you, Aurelia. I always saw you. I was too afraid of losing you. And now, I’ve lost you. I miss you.
March 19, 2005 That first glance from across the aisle. That first shy and soft, unexpected smile. That first hesitant ‘hello.’ Somehow, all those firsts with you did the same thing. They changed my life forever.
October 26, 2005 I’ve been on several dates, and I always compare them to you. I’ll think to myself, her smile is not as infectious as Aurelia’s. She’s not as funny and witty as my girl. She can’t keep my attention. She’s too loud or too quiet. She eats like a bird. She doesn’t love banana cream pie. She’s not the girl I love. I seek you in crowded places. I try to console my heart by fucking other women, only to miss you even more. My heart’s in the same condition you left it years ago. It’s still broken.
June 14, 2006 It’s a little after two in the morning in Copenhagen. I woke up and had the urge to listen to some Coldplay. Do you remember the night I asked you to listen to “Yellow” in your room? That was the night I wanted you to know how much I cared about you, still care about you. I’m smiling with sadness, knowing the stars still shine for you. Only you.
You’ll continue to love Chadwick, but I pray you’ll love yourself first.
They’re similar in so many ways. Handsome. Smart. Ambitious. Loving. They’re also very different. One is an architect, the other a musician. One loves to read blueprints, while the other loves to read sheet music and literature. One will take me home tonight. The other will continue to orchestrate the rhythm of my heart, instructing it to beat only for him.
“I noticed something tonight,” I tell him. “Yeah?” “You wear two wristwatches.” “You’ve just noticed that?” He sounds surprised. “I’ve been doing that for years.” “Why?” “Well, one tells the time zone I’m in. The other tells your time zone.” “Mine?” “Yes, yours. It’s comforting to know what time zone you’re in. Don’t ask me why because I don’t understand it myself.”
“I always feel like I’m at home when I’m with you.” The ache in his voice comes through. “It’s like a level of comfort that can’t be matched anywhere. Or by anyone. I don’t have to be on with you.” “On?” “I’m always someone to someone else. A dad. A son. A grandson. A performer. A meal ticket. With you, I can be just me. It’s one of the many reasons I love you.”
“Aurelia,” he whispers. “Not one minute, not a second goes by when you’re not inside me.” Dormant tears threaten to appear as I allow his words to simmer. “I’m trying my best to give you space,” he says. “But it’s fucking impossible when you’re the person I want to share everything with.”
Aurelia stops the swing and crouches down to Astor’s eye level. I can’t make out what she’s telling him, but I marvel at their shared smiles, shared giggles and joy. They also share my heart.
And underneath a pile of white undershirts, I find two pictures of us.
“Do you still have your keys?” I nod. “I’ll return them.” I open my bag, pretending to locate the set of Chad’s house keys I’ve held onto for years. I know exactly where they are. “I don’t want them back. This is your home too.” My home? “Know what makes me fucking happy? Coming upstairs to find you asleep on our bed.” “Our bed?” “Yes, our bed.”
I touch Chad’s cheek with my forefinger. “I’m so proud of you. You’ve become the maestro.” “But that’s not who I am,” he tells me. “I’m the boy who fell in love with you at thirteen, loves you at thirty-three, and who will love you until his last dying breath.”
No one ever told me we can grieve for the living.
It’s been over between me and Chad for years.” He shakes his head, unconvinced. “You’re the man I’m going to marry.” “I’m your fiancé and I’m the other man.”
I’m tired of being second best. I’m tired of wondering if you’re thinking of him when we’re making love. Tired of you calling out his name in your sleep.”
I can love two men, but I can only be in love with one. And when you fall in love with your soulmate, you never fall out of love.
“You’ve done remarkably well.” I stare up at him, confused. “Just because we haven’t been in touch doesn’t mean I wasn’t aware of your success. I’m proud of what you’ve done.”
“I want to be the one who inspires you every day of your life.” “You still inspire me.” “And you’re still my muse. My only muse.”
“There’s been a hole in my heart since I married Sera,” Chad says. “I had tried to fill it with concerts, tours, and recordings.” “But your performances have become legendary.” He shakes his head. “What is it?” I ask. “Don’t you get it?” “Get what?” “My greatest performance was hiding a broken heart.”
“You’d forget to care for me. Love me.” “How could you ever think that? “Because you let me go, Chad. You let me go.” “I have a confession to make,” he says, his eyes bright. “Seeing you at the restaurant wasn’t a coincidence. I’ve… I’ve been stalking you. I knew you were staying in Boston and—”
“Do you know what today is?” I ask. “April 7th.” I nod. “We went on our first date exactly eighteen years ago.” “You remembered.” “There are moments in my life that are too precious to forget. Our first date is one of them. I’ll always remember that night, Aurelia. It was the night I realized I was hopelessly and irrevocably in love with you.”
“Don’t forget that I love you,” I tell her. “I won’t.” “Good.” I sit on my heels, admiring the pearls of sweat trickling down her full breast. She’ll be drenched in a few minutes. “Because I’m going to fuck you like I don’t.” I turn her over. “Get on all fours.”
“A winter wedding sounds good,” he says, closing his suitcase. “Wedding?” “Yes.” He sits on the bed, and I stand between his legs, his hands on my waist. “Let’s get married in February.” “Married?” He nods, advertising a smile I can’t refuse. “I want it all with you. Love, marriage, kids.” “You haven’t even asked me to marry you.” “Aurelia.” His voice is low and husky. “I ask you to marry me every time I’m inside you.”
“You’re as essential as the air I breathe, the water I drink, the music I play. Without you, I’m barely breathing. Barely existing. I refuse to be without you.” “I refuse to be without you too,” I whisper. My head rests next to his side. I fall apart at the recollection of that moment. The first ‘Hey there.’ The gleam in his clear blue eyes. The excitement in his voice. The way he swayed to the sound of Piazzolla’s Invierno. The encouraging words he gave the girl he had just met. The moment when I met the boy who would change my life.
“Mr. David’s vitals change for the better when you’re in the room.”
“Thank you, love.” “I love you.” “I can’t ever remember a time when I didn’t love you,” he utters softly. “You’re the only woman I have ever loved. Will ever love.”
“They say I’ve captured the world’s heart,” Chad says. “I only wanted to capture yours.”
To be conducted by the only person I trust. My first and only love. My muse. Maestra Aurelia Preston David stands at the podium. Fearless.
