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The final piece of my soul shatters and withers away to nothing as I lay in a pool of my own blood. Unable to save my sisters, unwilling to save myself. I focus on the streams of blood flowing out from under my body, taking everything good about me with it.
An endless torrent of winds, a restless downpour of rain, violent currents thrashing in my veins, and waves crashing against the battered shell of my body. I didn’t get lost in the storm. I became the storm.
“So what does a guy have to do to get on your roster?”
I smirk at how he phrased it. Hook, line, and sinker. Confidence swells through me, calming the restless energy always churning just underneath my skin. His attention distracts the beasts in my soul. I look over my shoulder and call back, “Impress me,” before walking through the door and letting it slam behind me.
Together, we are a recipe for disaster and one I can’t risk. I already survived my own personal apocalypse, I wouldn’t survive another natural disaster of such epic proportions.
I call out to the chaos in my soul and wrap it around myself like a security blanket, dampening my affection and desire for the man in front of me. I find comfort in the raging storm underneath my skin and lose myself in all the ugliest parts of who I am as I run my fingers along the scars on my abdomen. When I look at Luca again, I’m back to being an ice queen who only cares about having a good time.
“Because she’s one of a kind. You take what she offers and enjoy it while it lasts. Because there will never be another like her and she is not someone you want to miss out on knowing, on experiencing.” “So why not fight to keep her?” I scoff, “Nobody will ever keep Scar. If she ever settles down, it will be her who does the keeping.”
I am a strong independent woman… who definitely needs a fuck ton more caffeine before walking back into that situation. As any sane person would agree. Or really any insane person, especially considering I lean more towards the latter of those two categories. It's unnatural to have to face that level of awkwardness so early in the damn day.
“No way, you twisted asshole,” I exclaim. “Get back here and finish what you started!” Fair is only fair. You don’t get to wake a girl up like that and leave her hanging. It’s just cruel.
It’s early and I’m horny and I want coffee and everything bad in the world is his fault. No, I don't feel like I’m being dramatic at all.
“First of all, I don’t fucking pout. Second, you would be pouting if I licked your dick and then just walked away,” I retort and if I’m being honest, I might be pouting just a little bit. But it’s a well-deserved pout. That was some grade-a bullshit.
“Let’s go fill your bitter ass with coffee before you actually do some permanent damage.”
“I think when people leave it’s cause something is wrong with them, not the people they leave behind.”
Scar is drinking down her coffee like it has all the answers to life at the bottom,
I love these blades; they were a gift from Luca. They’re all black, even the blade, which just speaks to my little black soul. They all are each inlaid with a blue diamond, all in different tones, except for the pocketknife. My pocketknife has a rare red diamond in the handle. They’re beautiful but deadly.
I close my eyes and take deep breaths. With every exhale I rebuild the ice around my heart, burying the longing, loneliness, and desperation deep inside me. I am successful because I don’t wallow.
Before I zip it all the way, I grab my pocketknife with the red diamond and smile as I nestle it in between my breasts, close to my chest. It’s where I always wear it. If all else fails, that knife is secure and always hidden, like carrying a piece of Luca with me for protection.
When in doubt, add more weapons. Right? That seems like a good life motto.
When she told me about that night, the words bled out of her and into the air before soaking into me like raindrops on my skin. Her words infected and burned fury into my veins so hot, it burned everything else out of my bloodstream, leaving only my love for this girl and rage for what was done to her. Her tragedy turned her into ice, but it morphed me through fire, bringing the demons in my soul out to play. Now I’ll use every demon she awoke in me to protect her, to help her gain her vengeance. I crave the blood of her attackers as much, if not more than she does. Staying back and having to
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I can hear the devastation in my voice but fuck. This girl owns my mind, body, and soul, and she can’t even be bothered to take care of herself.
“I need you to take care of you!” I bark. “Don’t you fucking get that?” My emotions are all over the damn place and all of my pent-up feelings for this incredible, selfless, idiotic woman are spilling out of me with every word.
I grab her chin and tilt it up towards me so I can look her in the eye, “It’s because you know it’s fucking selfish.” My words cause the tears to finally run over and spill down her cheeks. “You have a whole team of people behind you who care about what happens to you. Who are loyal to you, who love you, who need you,” I pause, hesitating, “I need you, Letty,” I whisper, letting the vulnerability seep into my voice. “I need you to be safe and healthy. I fucking need you to care enough about yourself to get help when you’re fucking shot!”
know these missions are important to you, okay? I fucking know that! But I hate it. I hate every second you put yourself in danger and I can’t have your back. I hate that I can’t be there with you and protect you and now I can’t even fucking trust you to take care of yourself? It was hard enough now I’m going to lose my shit every time I can’t fucking see you on these damn runs.”
“I hate that I have to worry about you all the damn time, Letty. I’m so fucking scared you’re going to let the demons consume you and you don’t even care enough to live until the end of this.”
“You never want back up, you take unnecessary risks, you make a point to search out guards even when you don’t have to. It’s like you don’t care if you fucking die, you just want to take as many of them with you as you can. I’m so fucking scared you’re gonna let your demons win and leave me behind,” I whisper.
She grabs my face and makes me look her in the eyes, “I’m not leaving you, Luca. I don’t want to die.” “Then why the fuck can’t you just take care of yourself?”
I take a deep breath and get ready to say the words that have been true for most of my life but have only ever been spoken aloud once. “I fucking love you, okay? You’re the whole goddamn world to me. So, if you can’t fucking take care of yourself for you. Do it for me. Do it for fucking me because I can’t live without you. If you die, I die too.” More tears slip down her face, and Mikey walks away. I reach out and brush her tears away, “Please, Letty,” I beg her and press my forehead against hers, needing to be closer to her. She knows I’m begging, and she knows that I’m talking about so much
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“I’m so sorry, Luca,” she chokes out to me. I can see it written all over her face as I pull away. I’m right. She had no intention of living through this, just long enough to take out the ones who hurt her.
I feel my heart splintering into a thousand pieces at the thought of losing her. I’m not lying to her. I'd follow her anywhere, including into an early grave. I just want so much more for her, more for us. I beg with my eyes. I try to say everything that I can’t say with words. Not yet. But just maybe, maybe one day I’ll be able to. I just need us both to fucking live long enough for that. “I promise,” she whispers, the free-flowing tears turning into soft sobs, “I promise to live. For you, I can live.”
I hold her tight against me and I can’t help the tears that slip out of my own eyes. I just need to feel her and smell her and know she’s here.
“I’ll tell you,” she promises. “I’ll tell you everything.” “It’s okay, sweet girl,” I whisper to her. “I got you.”
“I don’t want you to regret this tomorrow,” I tell her, terrified I’m taking advantage of her. “I could never regret you, Luca, I love you,” she whispers so softly, I almost think I heard her wrong. “You love me?” I ask, shocked. “I think as much as I’m capable of right now,” she admits. “Kade?” I ask almost scared for her answer. She looks me right in the eye and nods. “He’s the only other good thing I have.” I nod, understanding we both have been her anchors to reality. “I love you, Letty. I’ve been in love with you for a long time.”
tense as she tells me the details of the attack and I’m shocked as I realize this was the first time she’s willingly had sex. My heart breaks and grows simultaneously for everything she went through and still chose to trust me with such a special gift. We lay there and she talks for hours. When she finishes, the air is heavy with unspoken words. We both know what she has to do but neither of us wants to say it. I’m the first to cave after several tense minutes. I sigh, “You have to disappear.” She nods against my chest.
“God, Letty, I love you so much,” I whisper to her one more time as she shakes in my arms. I lift my cheek away from the top of her head and wait for her to look up at me. Her eyes are watery and rimmed red from crying, she has tears still flowing down her face and fuck. She’s never looked more beautiful. I dip my head and press my lips to hers. In this moment she is just Letty and I put all my love and longing into this one kiss. It’s wet and messy and full of emotion and utterly fucking perfect.
Light for her to hold onto when everything seems so dark around her. Good feelings and happy memories to bring her back from the brink of despair. A family she won’t want to give up, one worth fighting her demons for. I want to give her a life full of reasons to keep getting up every day, even when it hurts, even when it feels impossible. When it all feels pointless, I want her to have reminders that it’s not.
She is not sugar, spice, and everything nice. No, that girl is made of pain, snark, and everything dark.
She spent months in the hospital alone after the incident. I think that’s where she learned not to rely on anyone but herself, where the sweet young girl we met at the park started building her walls to protect herself.
I can’t help the tears that start to stream down my face. I can’t believe how emotional I’ve been today, but the girl pulls on my heartstrings like no one has managed to do since my sisters. She reminds me so much of them and I don’t know if that’s why I felt such an instant connection with her or if my broken soul reached out to her bruised and battered one. All I know is that our souls touched and she’s pure light in this world of darkness and I don’t want it to be too late to save her.
My demons are closing in and I need ice cream and some whiskey to drown them back out. That little girl pierced my armor that I thought was indestructible. She burrowed right in there but the emotions she’s let loose have my demons escaping their binds.
I cock my head to the side as I consider my answer. “It didn’t make the rage or grief or guilt any easier to bear,” I hesitate. “But it did help solidify my path moving forward. It gave me someone who had my back every step of the way too. Luca would have anyway, but it helped that he knew the why behind all my actions. He’s never questioned me, and he even sometimes knows what I need before I do.”
“Heartbreak doesn’t always have to be complicated. Pain can be as straight as the edge of the knife someone stabs into your back. Doesn’t make it any less real.”
Sometimes just staying silent and being physically present is the best way to help someone cope with their trauma. You don't always have to have advice or the right answers. Sometimes there are no right answers.
How many times had I wanted to give up since then? How mad had I gotten every time someone told me the pain would get easier? That my scars would fade, my body heal, my heart would mend itself. No one understood that I didn’t want to fight anymore, I just wanted to give up, let go, fade into the storm.
“You saved us. You saved me and I’m not sure that I deserve it, but I know Jen would be happier with it this way. I don’t want to throw my life in her face. If she’s watching from somewhere beyond, I want her to see me living for her. I’m just not sure what to do or what to even feel now. I was so ready to just give up.”
It’s obvious she has been broken before and instead of trying to force the pieces back together she’s made weapons out of them. She is one of the most stunning women I have ever met.
The heart in my chest beats for one thing and one thing only. Revenge.”
You have to focus on the revenge to have a purpose but it’s too dark to be your whole existence. You need the lighthearted fun to balance it out. Why should you feel guilty for taking what you need to stay sane? If you’re honest, no one has any right to blame you.”
Scar is a storm tearing through all of our lives but there’s so much more to her than that. Maybe she’s a star, our star. She pulls us all into her orbit and we’re only balanced as we circle around her, the center of our universe.
She cries out, “Mommy!” A huge smile spreads across her face a moment before I latch on to her wrists and Jack calls for her to release her legs. She does, trusting me implicitly as she giggles and swings below me. The emotion bursting through me threatens to strangle me as a single tear rolls down my cheek as my own giggle bursts through my lips.
She spoke for the first time ever and it was to call me Mommy. I squeeze her tight against me as she lets out more giggles. It’s like now that she’s broken through that mental barrier, there’s nothing holding her back. “Mommy, I can’t breathe.” Her sweet little voice is so soft and pure. It’s easily the best sound I have ever heard in my life. I ease up just a little bit as more tears roll down my face. “I’m sorry, Roe baby,” I whisper. “But you’re talking.” She scrunches up her nose like she’s thinking. “I am,” she says, and she almost sounds like she’s in awe.
