The Impatient

by Djaïli Amadou Amal

Custom forbids girls from rejecting a suitor. Even if we are not interested, we must nevertheless avoid offending a man.

He continued his monologue for a long time. He didn’t ask my opinion. It was unthinkable to him that I wouldn’t want to marry him. Yes, that would have been inconceivable. What girl would refuse such an important man? It was a done deal. He had discussed it with my uncle. The rest was just a formality.

“Save me, I beg you, they’re stealing my happiness and my youth! They’re separating me forever from the man I love. They’re forcing me to live a life I don’t want. Save me, I beseech you, I’m not happy like you think I am! Save me, before I become one of those shadows hidden inside a compound forevermore. Save me before I languish amid four walls, a captive. Save me, I beg you, they’re snatching away my dreams, my hopes. They’re stripping me of my life!”

“A woman’s life path is difficult, my girl. Our carefree moments are brief. We have no youth. We experience very little joy. We find happiness only where we cultivate it. It’s up to you to find a solution to render your life bearable. Better yet, to render your life acceptable. That’s what I did for all those years. I trampled on my dreams to better embrace my duties.”

I’ve changed. I’m not sick. The others are getting worked up for nothing. I’m simply oppressed. Why won’t they let me breathe? I’m suffocating in the darkness of this bedroom. They say I’m crazy. That worries me a little. Am I really? All these people swarming around me make me anxious. Their inquisitive looks. Their opinions about my state turn more and more decisive. I’m afraid of the horrors they reel off with certitude. I’m worried. Have I changed?

Unable to see anything around me but phantoms. Unable to stand on my feet. Unable to absorb any information. I exist without existing.

Do you think you’re wiser than the All-Powerful, who has authorized men to have up to four wives? Are you more important than the wives of the Prophet, who accepted polygamy with dignity? Do you think you’re a man, claiming we can’t love several women at once?”