What I Mean When I Say I'm Autistic: Unpuzzling a Life on the Autism Spectrum

by Annie Kotowicz

Autism gave me a more complete, more accurate self-image than the unflattering labels that I previously believed. Why do errors jump out at me? Because autistic people often notice tiny details. We catch things that other people miss. Why does drama go over my head? Because autistic people also miss things that other people catch. When we hear a person say something that’s different from what they actually mean, we tend to take it at face value. Why am I so precise and literal? Because autistic people deal with so much misunderstanding and miscommunication in areas that aren’t clearly defined, like tone. So when something is possible for me to clarify—like a homework assignment, or my own motives—then I feel driven to do so. Why do I feel drawn to places that are high up, separate from everyone else? Because autistic people take in so much sensory information that everything seems louder and brighter and more overwhelming to us. I like to tuck myself away in a corner, because it gives me some safety for my senses. All of this explains why I struggle a lot in some situations, and do very well in others. I don’t do well with big-picture planning, but I’m great at zeroing in on the details. I don’t do well around social drama, but I’m great around people who say what they mean. I don’t do well with vague instructions, but I’m great at following a process when I know all the steps. I don’t do well in noisy crowds, but I’m great in small groups or one-on-one.