What I Mean When I Say I'm Autistic: Unpuzzling a Life on the Autism Spectrum

by Annie Kotowicz

I thought communication was hard because I’m awkward and annoying. It’s actually hard because I put extraordinary effort into processing and analyzing words, meanwhile missing the hidden meanings in gestures and tone. Maybe I could have grasped social expectations better if I’d asked more questions. Maybe others could have understood me better, including why I didn’t meet their expectations, if I’d recognized and explained my differences. I did notice that I often felt off-balance and in need of a hug, but I didn’t make the connection to sensory overload. I could have done more to protect myself from feeling overwhelmed if I hadn’t assumed my sensitivity was unreasonable. I also could have used stimming more strategically if I’d recognized its utility for self-calming. On top of all that, I didn’t realize how my attention to detail, both sensory and linguistic, can make it harder to see the big picture. This weakens my ability to plan and make decisions, and I get burnt out when I try to compensate with willpower. I could have learned methods to stay on track with daily habits, and also handled other responsibilities better, if I hadn’t taken so long to recognize my need for external systems.