What I Mean When I Say I'm Autistic: Unpuzzling a Life on the Autism Spectrum

by Annie Kotowicz

What looks like defiance is often just dysregulation in disguise. It indicates that someone is having trouble with self-regulation, and the best way to support them in that moment is through co-regulation. What does all of that mean? Regulation essentially means control—but while “self-control” is about the ability to control outer actions, “self-regulation” is more about the ability to control inner feelings. In practice, this can look like calming yourself down after a stressful event, working up the courage to face a new challenge, or spinning joyfully without falling over. There are no bad emotions, but being regulated means you're able to control your emotions to suit the things you need to do. Dysregulation, on the other hand, is what happens when the tables turn and your emotions control you. It’s not that you're “letting” them, it’s that they're just too powerful to handle—running wild, unregulated. They take over your heart rate, movements, breath, and voice. Co-regulation is when someone helps you feel the way you want to feel, by feeling that way themselves, nearby. They pull you into their calm if calm is what you need, or pump you up to get going if going is what you need. It’s a whole lot easier to regulate emotions with the help of co-regulation than with self-regulation alone. It’s also how you learn to self-regulate in the first place. The voice of reason in your head, giving you ideas for how to feel better, is an echo of anyone who helped you do that in ...