What I Mean When I Say I'm Autistic: Unpuzzling a Life on the Autism Spectrum

by Annie Kotowicz

• Solid expectations mean that my brain is not naturally prepared for transition, and unexpected changes can hit like a load of bricks. Everything is easier to handle if I have time to mentally prepare, but if I don’t see a major change coming, it can feel devastating. Heartbreak in particular has often surprised me, because my struggle to read nonverbal cues has hidden the clues leading up to it. As I’ve gotten older, I’ve learned to keep in mind that things can always change, but that wasn’t my default narrative—it’s one I had to learn from experience. • Repetitive thoughts , technically called “perseveration,” can amplify both interests and memories. Perseveration causes me to remind myself, again and again, that I’ve lost someone I loved, and that things didn’t go as I hoped. Before I found out that this is a common autistic trait, I didn’t fight such thoughts, because I believed they were justified. When I began to recognize how it can deepen and prolong emotional pain, though, I started to handle all kinds of grief differently. I now see the value in setting aside periods of time specifically to process it, and then trying to redirect any painful thoughts that arise outside those times.