What I Mean When I Say I'm Autistic: Unpuzzling a Life on the Autism Spectrum

by Annie Kotowicz

Meltdowns How I Reach a Tipping Point Before learning about autism, I used to have mysterious meltdowns. Well into adulthood, I would sometimes break down crying without understanding why, then apologize shamefully for the tears that I couldn’t justify. I still have meltdowns occasionally, but less often, because now I understand what triggers them. For me, it’s a combination of too much sensory input and too much cognitive processing, especially when both are surprising. Once, at a birthday party, I spilled tea on my lap right before the cake was brought out and everyone started singing. Another time, at work, someone wanted me to quickly answer a difficult question while other people were yelling across the room. Both times, I ended up bawling on the bathroom floor. I let out big, heaving sobs, as if I'd just been

• Allow me to stim. I feel so much calmer when I know that it’s okay for me to fidget, rock, or move in other repetitive ways. • Be patient. I may need a little extra time to form my thoughts into words, or to transition from one activity to another. • Create calm spaces. If a place is loud or crowded, then I want to escape. In a place that’s calm and familiar, I can relax. • Discuss directly. I’m not great at reading between the lines. If you appreciate something about me, or need something, or have a suggestion, just say so. • Encourage my interests. If I’m excited about a hobby or topic, then it’s always on my mind, so I love being able to talk about it at any opportunity. • Forgive awkwardness. I might act or speak in unusual ways, but please understand that I’m not trying to make you uncomfortable.

Give notice. Unpredictability is stressful. If you let me know your plans ahead of time, I can prepare for them. Those are some general support ideas that apply across multiple contexts. Additionally, here are some ideas for specific contexts.

I do my best work when I avoid interruptions. If I lose my train of thought, it takes some time to get back on track. But I’m capable of very complex tasks when I focus on them. • I take instructions very literally, not reading between the lines or guessing at what’s implied. • Bright lights and loud sounds feel extra bright and loud to me, so I try to block them out when possible. • I have trouble processing audio, so meetings and phone calls can feel draining for me. I need time before to prepare, and time after to recover.

Treating others as you’d like to be treated works if they want exactly what you want, but no two people think exactly alike. When possible, I prefer to treat others as they would like to be treated. A person’s neurotype can sometimes imply what they’re likely to prefer, but kindness requires curiosity about their individual preferences. This variety of preferences, perspectives, and processing styles is called neurodiversity. It’s a fact, but it’s also a movement. It means recognizing and celebrating the beauty of all minds, and supporting one another in the unique challenges that we face.

authenticity, each step forward may seem like a step back. • I may look “more autistic,” as I embrace the calming power of natural movements. • I may request more support, as I recognize the cost of facing challenges alone. • I may react more suddenly to defend my eyes and ears from sights and sounds.

When this first started to happen, I was accused of faking it, as if I were molding myself to match my new label. But I was always this way on the inside—now, it’s merely coming out.