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October 3 - October 16, 2022
In my mid-twenties, I met a new group of friends who understood me in ways that no one else did. They seemed to ignore societal expectations of how a person should sit, talk, move, dress, and act, freeing me to do the same. They also actively appreciated parts of my personality that others found annoying, such as my drive to clarify precisely what I mean.
The feeling when you realize you've found your people escapes description
“Masking” is a word for the performative effort required to get it right, which makes it tiring for me to socialize. External
No matter how I appear on the outside, I will always be autistic on the inside.
was always pointing out everyone’s mistakes, including any words that teachers spelled wrong on the whiteboard.
I was always clueless about social drama. There would be cliques, and rumors, and classmates mad at one another
In high school, gossip went over my head. Now, I have wonderful, deep friendships with people who are kind, and who value my kindness, as well as my sincerity.
Why am I so precise and literal? Because autistic people deal with so much misunderstanding and miscommunication in areas that aren’t clearly defined, like tone. So when something is possible for me to clarify—like a homework assignment, or my own motives—then I feel driven to do so.
Most of my housemates had ADHD, PTSD, bipolar, autism, or some combination of those. I might have been the only one who didn’t realize I was neurodivergent—that is, not neurotypical. In that house, for the first time since childhood, I didn’t feel like an introvert. I got energy from being around people, because I didn’t feel the need to play a role—I could just be. Stimming was common and accepted. People dressed however they liked. Meltdowns were an occasional part of life, not a big and scary event.
In grocery stores, it takes all of my attention to successfully navigate my cart without running into people, while also making decisions and dealing with all the audio and visual information. It’s hard to do all that and also make eye contact and smile at people, so my default demeanor could easily be perceived as rude.
I’m also trying to budget my energy. This means limiting how many draining activities I do in a day, preparing for those activities through other ones that fill me up, and intentionally recharging my energy after it’s drained. It’s not magic, just math.
What does that look like in practice? It means approaching others with respect and curiosity, trusting that their actions have reasons, no matter how mysterious they seem at first glance—similar to how you might act in a new country, with different customs and ways of communicating.
If you're a parent, your children may also grow up to realize things that they needed and didn’t know how to request. Any time you wonder if you did something wrong, remember that you were (and are) still learning their love language—and also doing a lot of things right.
Co-regulation is when someone helps you feel the way you want to feel, by feeling that way themselves, nearby. They pull you into their calm if calm is what you need, or pump you up to get going if going is what you need.
“A hundred percent of me is autistic. I’d be a completely different person without it.
