What I Mean When I Say I'm Autistic: Unpuzzling a Life on the Autism Spectrum

by Annie Kotowicz

A meltdown doesn’t always mean that I’m upset. Often, it simply means that I’m depleted.

It took until my mid-twenties to learn that likability is a question of compatibility, not a question of identity. It took another few years to learn that what makes me less compatible with some people, and more compatible with others, is a beautiful neurotype that I would never want to lose.

But everything changes when you meet people who find it easy to give what you need. They don’t even have to like you a lot—they just have to see your presence as a feather, the opposite of a burden. It’ll make you feel like you’re floating, and it’ll make you want to show others that they can also be easy to love.

Cold Tangerines by Shauna Niequist, who wrote: “I have been surprised to find that I am given more life, more hope, more moments of buoyancy and redemption, the more I give up… The more I let people be who they are, instead of trying to cram them into what I need from them, the more surprised I am by their beauty and depth.”