She Is a Haunting

by Trang Thanh Tran

Vietnamese has so many ways to hint at closeness that I’m still learning.

I wasn’t going to keep wondering what spaces were open to me. There was no time for more self-discovery. “That doesn’t mean you actually know, Jade.” Her face softened along with her voice. She was kind, which I liked most of all. “You decided, that’s all. And you can change your mind.”

But what does it mean when I sometimes don’t know the real me?

When I shut off possibilities, I am also less likely to act on them.

I don’t know what parts are still me and what parts have been replaced.

I don’t smoke. I don’t drink, really. I’m only a girl who’s had a lifetime of bad thoughts.