Merry Ex-Mas

by Courtney Walsh

“Christmas is nauseating? What are you, the Grinch?”

“Mom, what is my ex-boyfriend doing at your house for Christmas?!”

should’ve taken it like any other empty, meaningless promise people make in the middle of a tragedy. Like when people tell you, “Let us know if there’s anything we can do to help,” as if there’s any way you could actually find the words to tell someone else what you need.

Truthfully, I’ve always loved sparring with Marin. I’m not intimidated by her fire. Her beauty? Well, that’s another story.

I’m having feelings. And not the mean, angry ones that I rely on to keep me from getting hurt again. The warm, fuzzy ones that might just convince me that everything I used to believe about Max could be true again.

My reasons for leaving haven’t changed. It was never about a lack of feelings for her—quite the opposite. The fact was, I loved Marin too much. And I’m afraid that hasn’t changed.

Yeah. I never quite got over her.

“But Marin?” he says as I walk past. I stop. “Yeah?” He gives me a slight wince. “It’s probably not going to be fake for me.”

real Marin McGrath smile. That’s the smile I’m after. Doesn’t get much better than an authentic smile from the one and only.”

Max is a good person. I hate that he is, but he is. But that doesn’t make him good for me.

“You can’t force someone to deal with their grief the way you want them to, Marin,” Mom says.

Sometimes grief looks like fear.

It’s hard when the one place on the planet with the most pain is the same place that feels the most like home.

love it when she says my name.

I want her fingerprints on this. On everything in my life, really. You’d think hearing her declare how much she doesn’t love me would squash that feeling, but what can I say? I’m a glutton for punishment.

Between the two of us—I was the one who was proving to be untrustworthy. And he was proving to be exactly what I told myself he wasn’t—the man I’d always loved.

“This might be dangerous,” he says. “All this pretending. One of us is bound to get confused.”

“I told you, Marin, it wasn’t going to be pretend for me.” We’re practically leaning against each other, our arms pressed together the way they would’ve been all those years ago, back when we couldn’t get close enough to each other. He faces me now. “I tried to go along with it, but I can’t. Letting you go was the stupidest mistake I ever made.”

“Now I realize living without you hurts a whole lot more.”

Max wants me. He wasn’t pretending.

don’t know how to feel about you.” She touches my cheek. “I thought I was over you.” I brush her hair away from her face. “Yeah. I know. I thought I was over you too.”