Merry Ex-Mas

by Courtney Walsh

My mom was a big believer in giving things a chance, a second chance, even a third and a fourth.

She said grace was like that, and we should always give grace in abundance. Even to ourselves.

Edna’s

that pain you don’t deal with always finds a way to come back. It will demand attention.

the way he looked at me, with a desperation that betrayed his silence.

But when I replay the moment in the alley, all I can think is I forgive you.

I hate all of that. When people find out about your trauma, they start treating you differently.

Time doesn’t heal all wounds. Time gives you distance and perspective. The time we had wasn’t enough, but it wasn’t nothing. I lived twenty-two amazing years as their son. And that was a gift.

“But I do think there’s something special in remembering people who loved us so much. It’s a way to, maybe, let ourselves grieve.”

But it’s hard not to fall when you’re already losing your balance.

It’s hard when the one place on the planet with the most pain is the same place that feels the most like home.

That’s why things started to fall apart between us—because I stopped sharing my side.

that every good thing didn’t die with my parents. Friends, family, love, and kindness remained and endured.

There’s no feeling like shame being forgiven.