Merry Ex-Mas

by Courtney Walsh

But women like me tend to operate our lives like we’ve got a browser running with twenty-seven tabs open.

If only “the past” wasn’t so heart-breaking.

“You know that unkindness just makes you get old before your time.” “That’s true,” Dad calls from the living room. “Rots your bones and makes you constipated! Look at your Aunt June! She looks like she’s at least eighty because she’s such a terrible person. And she’s younger than me!”

I try to take an objective look at myself. It’s hard when all I can see are the flaws.

James has always been strong and sturdy. It’s odd seeing things like his eyesight start to weaken.

My papaw right now😔

“All I’m saying is that people usually connect with honesty, Marin.”

“Our only purpose here is to chop it down and haul it home.” James nods in agreement. “Pack mules.”

My mom was a big believer in giving things a chance, a second chance, even a third and a fourth. She said grace was like that, and we should always give grace in abundance. Even to ourselves.

“There are lots of cities, Marin, and a lot of places that feel the same,” she’d said. “It’s the people that make a place home.”

“So, according to you, I have no real smiles?” “You used to,” he says.

Memories, certain ones, have a way of zipping together the past and the present. What was once completely separate is now entangled.

But mostly because talking to my Dad is my oasis.

Same with my papaw🩵

“You can’t force someone to deal with their grief the way you want them to, Marin,” Mom says.

When people find out about your trauma, they start treating you differently. It’s way easier to hide all of that. From everyone.

They say time heals all wounds. But it doesn’t.

Time doesn’t heal all wounds. Time gives you distance and perspective. The time we had wasn’t enough, but it wasn’t nothing. I lived twenty-two amazing years as their son. And that was a gift.

“But I do think there’s something special in remembering people who loved us so much. It’s a way to, maybe, let ourselves grieve.”

But it’s hard not to fall when you’re already losing your balance.

“Look, everyone’s got history. Everyone has baggage. If you’re lucky enough to find someone willing to lug it around for you, you should let them.

Sometimes grief looks like fear.

It’s hard when the one place on the planet with the most pain is the same place that feels the most like home.

“What?” I ask. “I was just thinking that Christmas wishes do come true.”