It's Me, Charlie

by C.M. Guidroz

I really should clean this mess up before she gets here. I make a mental note to clean up when I get home tonight. I want everything to be perfect. Pushing the paper plates and fast food bags out of the way I make a small space on the counter. The jar of peanut butter has a slippery residue on the outside but I manage to open it. Wiping my hands on my pants, the smell of peanut butter fills my senses. Pulling on the sticky knob, I open the drawer, grabbing a butter knife.

The state of their living arrangements 🤢

My smile doesn’t last long at the mention of the heat, fuck, I hate the heat. I can already feel the sweat dripping down my back. I hate to sweat because with the sweating comes the itching. So much itching. I scratch the white flaky dead skin on my elbow with the butter knife, enjoying the relief and slight stinging sensation. I’ve had Psoriasis since I was a kid, it’s only gotten worse now that I’m in my thirties. The heat makes it worse. My body is an itchy, massive, prison.

BRO I'M TRYING TO EAT 😭😭😭

After I’ve scratched enough to give me some relief, I wipe the blunt blade of the butter knife on my jeans. A white line of dead skin forms a thin line across my dull blue jeans. I should grab another knife, but I know I don’t have another clean one. With a shrug, I dip the knife into the peanut butter and spread it across the stale bread in my hand. I will never get tired of peanut butter sandwiches. My mother used to make them for me as a kid, something easy to shove in my mouth so she could go back to sitting in her precious chair.

C L E A N?????!!!! 🤢🤢🤮🤮

I tried being that guy, the nice guy who these women swooned over. I found out very quickly that women didn’t respond to me in the same ways as the men on TV. I never could figure out why, I did everything right. I was polite and attentive to them. It didn't matter, she would end up with the guy everyone knew to be an asshole. I would just end up her friend, if I was lucky. In one case, I ended up being served with a restraining order. I thought that was a little dramatic but whatever.

Please not him being an incel 😭✋️✋️

Jessie will be moving in this week, she doesn’t know it yet but I’ve waited long enough.

Excuse me 👁👄👁

Moving is a stressful process, but I will make it easy for Jessie. I just moved here a year ago myself. Momma gave me a hard time about leaving home, standing up from her chair yelling at me. “You can’t move all the way across the country for a woman you have never met. She doesn’t want you, Charlie. No one wants your fat ass! I’m the only woman that could ever love you”. I punch the steering wheel at the memory of her words. “ I guess I fucking showed you huh?” I say the words out loud but it doesn’t help calm the heat in my ears. Jessie will love me, I know everything she wants in a guy. There is no way I could get it wrong this time.

Good luck? 🥴

As I walk into the house the smell of cat piss hits me like a brick wall. I’m not the cleanest person, hell, I’m pretty fucking dirty if you ask anyone else. But I can not stand the smell of cat piss. Mom had cats growing up and they would piss on my clothes. I had to raise myself, which meant doing my own clothes. So most days I went to school smelling like I rolled around in a litter box. I had a rough time in middle school but once I got to high school I made sure to get rid of the cats. She thought they got out and ran away. I enjoyed the popping sound their necks made when you pull on it hard enough.

Oh my god??

I heard a man once say that he wished women came with a manual, well I found it. These women literally write about the things they want, what they find sexy, and in explicit detail. I found the manual and I intend to use it. Guess What? It’s nothing like those Hallmark movies.

VERY true

My place isn’t far from hers and I’m able to watch her most days. One day she was out for a run, I was watching her from my van and decided to get out. I walked along the sidewalk knowing our paths would cross. I was hoping fate would intervene and she would see me knowing I was the man of her dreams, the one she’s been writing about. But instead she ran right past me, never even batting an eye at me. I know once she meets me and sees that I am everything she wants she will be just as in love with me as I am with her. I can’t go wrong this time, I have studied her books. While I don’t look like the men she describes that's the only set back. I can force her to look past that and see that I know her more than any other man out there. I know what she likes, how she likes to be fucked. I can make her happy.

Charlie, I don't think it works like that. Actually, I'm CONFIDENT it doesn't work like that. 😭✋️✋️

I pull up her profile and like her latest posts. I scroll down to the one I use often and make the image bigger. Jessie smiles at me and I feel my dick swell with need. The chair creaks as I lean back lifting my stomach to unbutton my pants. I imagine she is watching me, as I pull my sweaty dick out. I ignore the yeasty smell as I pump away, in quick short strokes.

Now WHY would you make me read that with my own two eyes 😭😭😭😭

I walk around the store feeling overwhelmed, I have no clue where anything is. I pass by a wall of dicks, there are so many colors and sizes. I don’t want to get one bigger than my own dick so I grab a smaller pink one. I pause for a moment staring at the rubber dick in my hand and instantly feel selfish. The one from her book was a big purple one, I can’t skimp out on what she truly wants because I’m an insecure piece of shit. I want to make her happy. So I grab the larger dark purple one, the female vagina amazes me. I can’t imagine this thing fitting inside of someone.

At least he's trying?? 🥴😭😭

“Yes, this will be it.” I say, trying not to look directly into her eyes. I hope I can get my nerves under control before I get Jessie. I need to be in control. I take a deep breath as I pay in cash, telling myself I need to be the strong stern man she wants. When I look at the woman she is now staring at me like I’m crazy. She hands me my bag and when she goes to hand me my change I steady my nerves and look her dead in the eyes. “Keep the change.” I let my eyes linger only briefly before turning for the door. “Sir, I can’t keep your change” She yells after me before I reach the door. Practicing being in control, I raise my voice, “I said keep the change, now be a good girl and listen!” I storm out of the building leaving the woman with a look of shock. I can’t hide the smile from my face as I get into the van. I am ready to bring my Jessie home. I wish it was tonight.

This book is giving me psychic damage

I take a swig from my baja blast and it reminds me of the cup I have on the side of my bed. I have been saving something for Jessie for a little while now. Like I said, my girl loves spit. She loves when a man spits in her mouth, when he drinks from a glass and spits it into her mouth, spits in her face, the degradation of it all turns her on. She writes about it in different ways in each of her books. So, I have a special surprise for her. I can’t wait to show her. I glance over at the taco bell cup on the side of my bed, the bottom filled with a few inches of spit I have been saving for her. She is going to finally live out the fantasies she has been writing about. She will fall in love with me.

PLEASE, the psychic damage I just received reading that, that is so fucking out of pockettttttttt 🤢🤢🤮🤮😭😭😭✋️✋️✋️✋️✋️✋️

I throw a handful of M&M’s in my mouth and skim the page instead of giving into the temptation of her words. I get to one of my favorite parts and remind myself to add to the cup on the side of me. This will be the last time I spit in the cup for her because tomorrow she will be here. I can barely contain my excitement as I spit into the cup. I watch as the brown tinted fluid slips down the inside of the cup, I got some of the chocolate in it but that's ok. She may like the slight chocolate flavor. Her eyes will go wide with arousal and her thighs will be drenched, my room will be filled with the sweet smell of her arousal. I close my eyes, willing the thoughts away as my cock twitches begging for me to touch it. I won’t because I am saving all my seed for her, my sweet Jessie.

Can you physically clean the inside of your brain? Because I'm pretty sure that I'm gonna need to after reading this book, fucking Christ

My alarm doesn’t even need to go off because I am already awake, shaking with excitement. Today is the day I make her mine. I have been practicing in my head all night. I know the plan and can recite it word for word. Throwing myself out of bed I go into the bathroom, I want to shower and be fresh before I see her. The hot water flows down my body as my thoughts are going a mile a minute. The mental checklist being checked off as I lather the soap over my body. For a moment I wish my mom was still around, I wish I hadn’t done what I’d done. She would still be here and I would be able to laugh in her face when Jessie is here with me and we are in love. She would have to eat every word she ever said to me. I smile; happy with the fact that instead she's choking on dirt. She doesn’t deserve to witness a love like ours.

That's all well and good my dear, but just HOW are planning for this to go down? I need an explanation, quickly

I dry off and put on the cologne I bought from Walmart. Stetson burns my nose at first but after a while it smells really nice. I comb the small wisps of hair I have to the side and smile at myself. “Charlie you are one handsome motherfucker. Now go get your girl.” I laugh at myself and finish getting dressed. I haven’t been this giddy with happiness in, well, ever. I don’t think I have ever been this happy.

Awww.