Recovery from Narcissistic Abuse, Gaslighting, Codependency and Complex PTSD (4 Books in 1): Workbook and Guide to Overcome Trauma, Toxic Relationships, ... and Recover from Unhealthy Relationships)

by Linda Hill

Don’t expect accountability. This point has been touched on earlier, but understanding that they won’t take onus for their behavior saves a lot of time and energy. If you want to verbalize their responsibility for their actions for ease of mind, that’s certainly appropriate. But don’t expect them to take what you say to them to heart.

It’s incredibly challenging to never get an actual apology- an “I’m sorry” followed with a “but” is an excuse, & contradicts said apology.

It’s okay not to get an apology. We’ve already discussed that they don’t feel remorse or empathy, both of which you need to feel in order to offer a sincere apology. Plain and simple, they can’t offer something that they neither feel or relate to.

What are my needs? Are you trying so hard to take care of and help others because you didn’t get enough of that yourself? What unfilled need are you trying to fill by putting other people’s wants ahead of your needs?

Anytime someone's needs are explicitly not being met, or pushed back onto the person who has stated them, something is wrong and they are most likely being gaslighted.

Someone’s feelings are always valid, because they are feeling them and they have been brought up by some reaction to an action.

You’re allowed to feel any feeling you want to. Whether it’s anger, sadness, happiness, etc. Do not let someone negate you into feeling otherwise. Actions lead to feelings.

“That is not what happened, and you know it.” In this instance, the gaslighter is specifically lying, shifting blame, and rewriting history—all at the same time—to muddle your own perception of events and ensure that their narrative is the one that will prevail.

How often have I heard that?

They ignored a valid argument you brought up (denied the challenge you brought to them), lied and exaggerated through avoidance that they even caused a problem, and turned it back onto you by refusing to acknowledge how their actions created your feelings.

How often was the initial topic changed to be pin pointed back onto me? The blame game from not taking out the trash or helping around the house whatsoever to it’s all my fault, I don’t put out enough, I’m not enough…

You doubt your feelings and reality: You try to convince yourself that the treatment you receive is not that bad or that you are too sensitive. ● You question your judgment and perceptions: You are afraid of speaking up or expressing your emotions. You have learned that sharing your opinion usually makes you feel worse in the end, so you stay silent instead. ● You feel vulnerable and insecure: You often feel like you "walk on eggshells" around your partner, friend, or family member.

You are disappointed in yourself and who you have become: For instance, you feel like you are weak and passive, and that you used to be stronger and more assertive.

You feel confused: The behavior of the person gaslighting you confuses you, almost as if they are Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. ● You worry that you are too sensitive: The person minimizes hurtful behaviors or words by saying “I was just joking" or "you need thicker skin."

“Learn to take a joke” <— every. Other. Day. Of. My. Forking. Life.

You feel inadequate: You feel like you are never "good enough." You try to live up to the expectations and demands of others, even if they are unreasonable.

Work a full time job. Do all the cooking. All the cleaning. Pay all the bills. Drop off & pick up the kid. All the appointments. All the presents are my responsibility. All the adulting is my responsibility. All he would do is drive home as slow as possible & then clean his truck to avoid the kid & I… maybe stop at the bar to “see his dad”.

Attachment Style #4: Fearful-avoidant (Insecure) This style is a combination of anxious and avoidant. They crave affection, but they also want to avoid it. They fear a close relationship but also feel they need to be loved. It is also known as a disorganized attachment. Their caregivers may have been scary or traumatic, leading to the child’s sense of fear and lack of trust. They may have even been abusive, causing the child to be confused about what healthy boundaries and healthy relationships look like. People with this attachment desperately want to feel the attachment and emotions they were never able to feel with their caregivers, but they are terrified that they could be abused or hurt again.

Type #1: Fear of Physical Abandonment

The term “secure attachment” will become something you grow familiar with. The likelihood of developing a secure attachment to anyone is terribly slim when you have C-PTSD. The problem isn’t the other person and isn’t technically “you” either. Instead, it results from the trauma and the idea that no one and nothing can be trusted.

you do not have a strong bedrock of love and support, you may have found, early on, that you cannot trust anyone to take care of your needs and safety. You may believe that relationships are not a place to ask for what you need and may unintentionally seek out people who prove your theory time and time again. You do not do this on purpose. This choice is ingrained deep within you, maybe even from birth. Suppose you do not know a healthy relationship while your core self is forming. In that case, it will be more difficult for you to know what one looks like or understand that you deserve to be treated with respect and have a sense of security even when you’re in a vulnerable place.

If you answered mostly in Group B, your attachment style is Disorganized/Unresolved Attachment. This style is a mixture of avoidant and anxious attachment. Your caregiver could have been abusive, frightening, and behaved inappropriately toward you. You may fear them; they were not present for your safety and security. However, your child-self tells you they are your parents, and you should be loyal to them. You may want to be close to others but fear it. Your childhood experiences have led to inconsistency and confusion in relationships on your and the other person’s end. This attachment style is the main type for those with C-PTSD

Hi mom. 😅 welcome full circle. Now let’s include the SA from childhood neighbor. Then mother dearest invading my privacy (fine I was a minor) & reading it in my diary. But then sending me to therapy where she watched me behind the glass… I wonder why therapy didn’t work? 🤔😅 At least I have my humor