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To all siblings everywhere, who fight and bicker and tease each other but at the end of the day, still love each other.
Because you’re a sadistic fuck who gets off on cutting up your kid for some perceived mistake that somehow brings shame to our name?
I hate my skin. The scars that mar my body. Proof of my fuck-ups and the twisted mind of my father. There’s never a time I can just pull my shirt off. I’m always aware of the way my shirts fit, preferring to tuck them in most of the time to keep my body covered.
You’re a freak for enjoying it. He didn’t want you to touch him but you did it anyway. Monster. No one will ever want you. No one will love you.
Part of me craves human contact, but in reality, I can’t stand for anyone to touch my body. Arms and hands are okay, and sometimes a leg brush, but my torso is absolutely off limits.
What would it feel like to be held by someone? To breathe them in, their hands running through my hair while we laid in bed, pressed together. I want it so bad it hurts.
A finger touches my pinkie. My eyes pop open and my head snaps toward Jeremy. My body is tense once again, but my hands have stopped moving. What the hell is he doing?
“If I disappear for more than five minutes, come looking for me.” The words are quiet as they tumble out of my mouth. Only Jeremy could have heard them, the rest of the guys in here are laughing and screwing around. His finger hooks around mine and my eyes close at the contact, my breathing hitching in my chest as my stomach cramps painfully. There’s no way I’m going to be able to eat. Is he going to make me sit next to him or just in his line of sight so I can’t escape him?
I shrug, not comfortable telling them how stressful this was for Preston. That feels private and they don’t get that part of him. I like that it’s only mine. He’s so shut down about everything that those little breaks in the perfection feel like I’ve won a battle. Do I want the pressure of being the only one he kind of trusts? Not really, but I’ll take it if that’s what it takes for him to be okay.
This is what I’ve always craved but couldn’t ever ask for. He’s going to break my heart.
Jeremy calling me, trying to stop me from leaving, almost broke me. He shouldn’t care about me. I’ve given him no reason to. But I need it.
“I don’t know how to touch without fucking.” His confession breaks my heart. Has no one just held him because he needed it? Offered a hug? I wrap my arms around his neck and bring him into me. “It’s okay, I do.”
“Jeremy, I love you more than I ever thought possible. My life is not complete without you, I am not complete without you.”
“I want to open a hockey camp for underprivileged kids,” Preston says quickly. “Come coach for me.” “Can you stop being so fucking perfect for five seconds?” I pull back far enough to look at him. “I’m far from perfect. Life with me will not be easy, but I swear I will love you for the rest of my life.”
“Of course I will marry you and fight with you and love you and build a life with you. You’re never getting rid of me.”
“I’m taking your name when we get married,” Preston says with the utmost seriousness, sliding the ring onto my finger. “I don’t want to be a Carmichael anymore. Make me an Albrooke.”
“He calms me, soothes the ragged edges my life has left on my soul.” My voice is quiet now. I don’t know if she can hear me or not, but that’s her problem. I want to look at him, see those blue-brown eyes full of love, but this may be one of the hardest things I’ve ever said out loud. “He shows me that I’m lovable, even in the dark moments when everything tells me otherwise.”
“I knew you were capable. There was something about you from the very beginning that called to me, that told me I needed you just as much as you would need me. That’s as true today as it was then.”
“You are worth so much more than you give yourself credit for and I can’t wait to see what you accomplish.”
Okay he has me there. I do love it. When he takes the power, I’m free to let go and just feel. There’s no pressure, just pleasure.
“I never thought I would be able to trust someone, to be happy and satisfied with my life.”
“There’s nothing to say thank you for.” I kiss his shoulder blade. “I can’t imagine going through life with anyone else. You’re it for me. You’ve always been it for me.”
