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He didn’t say goodbye like he usually did. Did he feel it too? Did it scare him? “Stop it,” I told myself. I had no business thinking that, wondering if maybe I could ever have him, letting myself admit silently that I wanted him. That I was in love with him. That I’d been in love with Jasper Finch my whole damn life and what that had to mean for me.
It sounded ridiculous, but it wasn’t often Sutton said no to me. I didn’t to him either. We simply did what the other wanted because it was usually what we wanted too.
I really was bisexual, and I was so fucking in love with Jasper that it hurt…that it was killing me, and if I didn’t find a way to make this go away, I wouldn’t ever recover.
“Nah, I can’t tell him. It’ll never happen.” “His loss.” If she knew him the way I did, she would know it was mine too.
How did you miss someone who was right beside you? Who worked with you and lived with you? It didn’t make a damn bit of sense.
Christ, I was so fucking broken. What was wrong with me? Who lost their shit this way because their best friend was moving out? You know why. Call him. Tell him.
I would spend my whole damn life in love with someone who didn’t love me, not in that way.
“I remember everything, Sutt. Why do I remember every damn thing about every fuckin’ moment we’ve ever had? That ain’t normal.”
My tears wouldn’t stop, and I hated every fucking one of them. Wished they would hit that point where they would dry up, wished they hadn’t come at all because there were too many truths behind them, truths I’d never allowed myself to admit, to see. To acknowledge were there.
I just can’t lose you.” If Sutton left, my whole life would be derailed. I wasn’t sure I’d still be tethered to the earth, just wandering and trying to find the place I belonged, when I already knew it was with him.
His voice was stern, loud, when he spit out, “I’m in love with you! Don’t you get that?” My heart rammed into my chest over and over. Then softer, “I’m in love with you, and it’s been slowly killin’ me for years, even though I didn’t always realize it. I can’t do it anymore. I can’t be around you all the time and not be able to have you.
Because he loved me. Sutton was in love with me. This man who knew me better than anyone else, who saw every single part of me, was in love with me. How did I get so lucky? What did I do to deserve him loving me like that?
“I’m in love with you! Don’t you get that?” I thought about how it felt to play guitar with him, the smile that settled in my heart when he hummed or sang. I thought about cooking dinner together and food fights. About that time I got sick and he didn’t leave my side. About getting him ice cream after his tetanus shot and lazy summer days with him by my side. Always by my side.
Was that what it felt like to be in love with someone? Like there was nothing you wouldn’t do for them, and every second you ever shared was held in its own locked vault in your head so you knew they would always be there?
“You’re gonna fuckin’ ruin me, do you know that? It’ll break me to have you, then lose you.”
You’ve had me wrapped around your finger my whole damn life, Jasper Finch.”
“And you haven’t with me? I don’t think I can ever care about anyone the way I care about you.
It was like every single minute I’d ever had, it had all been leading up to this moment with him.
“I love you. Can I keep sayin’ that now?” Sutton asked. “You’d break my heart if you didn’t.”
From how I’d been taught, what I’d been raised believing and what I heard all around me, a man was supposed to feel humiliated by that. It was wrong. That wasn’t what men did, right? But it was what some men did. Why was I supposed to feel less than for taking pleasure in a certain way?
There was nothing weak about that. There was nothing wrong with it.
we’re missin’ out on people who would be acceptin’ and affirmin’ because of the hateful people. Feels like lettin’ them win.”
I got a million little moments like that inside me, and I remember every one.”
“I’m in love with him. He’s my…boyfriend? Partner? Hell, I don’t even know what word to use. None of them seem strong enough for what he is to me. I know you’ve hinted before that you know, but I wanted to tell you, wanted to make sure you know I trust ya with that.”
Most people didn’t care, I figured. Sure, there were assholes out there, but there were a lot of good people too. Sometimes the bigots were just the loudest, making it hard not to focus on them.
I love who I am with you, that I can be myself in ways I can’t with no one else. I love the way you touch me, the way you make me feel like I’m the most important thing in your whole fuckin’ world, and that ain’t weak, Sutt. That’s strength.”
“We had a million little moments, Sutt, all of ’em leading us here. I can’t wait to spend my whole damn life makin’ a hundred million more of them with you.”
