This Is How We Do It: A Pep Talk

by Kevin Hart

You may not control all the events that happen to you, but you can decide not to be reduced by them. —Maya Angelou

Energy flows where attention goes, and some of that attention is just emboldening the negative forces in the world. There are many reasons for this, but one is because people who can’t get positive attention often opt for negative attention, rather than getting no attention at all.

The scary thing about myself is that I feel that after age forty, I only just processed the concept and understanding of what my true value and purpose are and can be. All this time, all this work, all this energy and effort, all the success have prepared me for what’s about to come. Because the biggest hasn’t come yet.

I’m focused on what serves my higher life goals and chasing my best, not what serves the agenda of other people.

Now ask yourself some hard questions: What path are you on now? Who chose that path? Where is it ultimately leading if you don’t change anything? Whose approval are you seeking? How far will you go off your path to get it? What decisions are you making out of fear? What decisions are you making out of joy? If you are marching to the beat of a drum, who or what is beating out the tempo? The only path that leads to the ultimate you—because beyond goals, that’s really what we’re talking about—is the path you choose yourself. Nobody is in charge of you but you.

We live in a world where they prey on those who are affected and are bothered—that’s the best movie in town: watching a person become affected by the negative bullshit that is thrown their way, watching them take that downward spiral.

People create so much friction and agitation in themselves by not accepting the reality of their situation. They want to be in denial about it, or be right about it, or wish it was different. Well, it ain’t. And you’re probably not right. And you’re definitely wasting your motherfucking time. Go ahead, I’ll wait. Keep walking in circles staring at the ground, foaming at the mouth, spouting off all that negativity. Let’s see how many years of your life you want to spend standing in place, avoiding happiness, and making yourself and everybody around you feel like shit. How are you going to learn if you can’t let yourself be wrong? How are you going to create the future if you’re stuck in the past?

Rather than sitting there and letting it fuck with my head, distract me, and throw me off track, I’m deciding to just let it be. I adjust to the new reality. I don’t try to bend it to be something it’s not or make it fit my preferences and old ideas of the ways I want things to be.

So, when you start feeling down, it’s because you know that you’re not doing what you’re supposed to do and applying yourself 100 percent in order to give yourself the best possible opportunity to be great. Consistency defends against the frequent funks that come from losing momentum.

The respect and admiration that you have for your grind, for your will, your effort—your blood, sweat, and tears—is what creates determination. Because it all ultimately comes down to you living your life for you. The endgame is being able to look in the mirror and say, “I’m proud of myself.” If you value yourself enough and the gifts that you have to offer, and get present to the very limited and fragile opportunity we have to express them in this life, your resources for determination will become a bottomless well.

Very few people want to admit that they’re carrying some bullshit and don’t see everything clearly. They’re so damn committed to being right about everything, including what other people mean when they say and do certain things. When you apply ownership to your life, you see that it takes two to tango. Any fight or misunderstanding is cocreated. They’re never one sided.

At any given moment, you can step outside yourself and ask, “What energy am I giving off right now? How am I treating other people? How are other people receiving me? Am I giving and grateful to my environment, or am I taking and negative? Am I letting other people’s negativity get the best of me? Am I bringing the teddy bear–ness?” Reengage your positive mindset, make a new choice, and watch life respond.

Happiness is knowing that you can do more. Happiness is knowing that you haven’t reached your limit, that you’re capable of more. That’s happiness. If you’re done, that’s not happiness. You can be happy knowing that you haven’t reached your full potential yet, because there’s so much more to give. That is happiness. If you’re done, that’s death.

Nonreactivity is remaining centered in the eye of the storm. You are the calm, still emptiness among the chaos. When you overreact, whether it’s to the news, a friend, a partner, or worst of all, your own child, you flip the switch on an unintentional and unconscious course of action, emotion, or thinking. You lose your cool, which means losing the power that comes from being able to perceive accurately, think clearly, and respond intentionally. And often, you violate the boundaries and dignity of the person you are reacting to.

“You’re not gonna hurt my feelings. This is the shirt I chose today, and I’m gonna wear it. Nothing you say is going to hurt me.”

Be spongy, people: you don’t know everything. The smartest person in the room never says they’re the smartest person in the room. The smartest person in the room lets everybody talk, and they listen so they can get even smarter. The smartest person in the room is the spongiest. Facts.

If you take nothing else from this book, take away the fact that you are no better or worse than anybody else. You have your grind. Other people have theirs. And no two grinds ever need to be in conflict. We can all grind each other up to a better place.