You Never Forget Your First: And He Just Might Be the Death of Me

by Millie Perez

Priscilla is your quintessential peaked too soon cautionary tale. Grew double d’s by the time she was a freshman in high school, and hasn’t worn a top that fully covers the upper part of her body ever since. Also, she’s a massive bitch.

I hate this. She “peaked too soon” which led to her being sexualizas at a young age which led to her subconsciously seeking validation from men all the time. She matured faster than others and that changed every aspect of her life because men and society are brutal to young girls.

Tía Isabella has me cornered, telling me about her friend’s son that she wants to set me up with, when Tía Maria intercepts, “Ay mi bella Amelia. Such a pity to be single at this age.” She shakes her head side to side. “Are you sure you can’t forgive Sebastían and give him one more chance? You know good men are hard to come by, and everyone makes mistakes.”

I’m gritting my teeth so hard.

“I’m just saying you’re about to turn thirty, Amelia. You’ve spent so much time going back and forth with that man, and now you’ve lost valuable time. Just think about it before you scare him off for good. I would hate for you to miss out on having a family because of your stubbornness.”

I’m gagging. Life is hard enough without your tias bringing up this crap.

I’m not exactly proud of what I say next, but I guess I’m just in the business of watching people squirm now. “You know, I’m not really sure Priscilla. If you could give me the names of the men you haven’t dated in Manhattan, I’m sure I can work off of that shortlist. And while you’re at it, leave out the names of the married men. That’s more your speed than mine anyways.”

I hate Amelia.

“Or the years when I didn’t have boobs!” Priscilla squeals. Classy.

Amelia’s dislike of Priscilla is coming off as jealousy.

Priscilla: No need to go broke Lucy, don’t you see we have our very own big spender in the chat *Winky face emoji* Anywho what kind of wheels are we talking Evan? Rolls Royce?? LOL.

Did the author write Priscilla to take out her frustrations on other women that just happened to be attractive?

“Just Amelia, no need to remind me of my marital status, which I’m painfully aware of.” I chuckle.

Not everyone is out to remind you that you’re single. Then again, this is what growing up in traditional Latin families will do to you. Especially if you’re a woman.

“That doesn’t make any sense. Plus, I was supposed to get here a day early and have the place to myself, not have you lurking around every corner,” I complain. “Well…” “Today was supposed to be a day where I got some peaceful ‘me time’ away from the city and everyone that stresses me out. Which by the way, you’re at the top of that list now, thank you very much.” I cross my arms over my chest. “What did I—” Evan starts. “I’ll just call Abby to confirm the details and prove that you are intruding on my one day vacay and I’m sure you can find yourself a Four Seasons somewhere nearby—”

Please stop giving me reasons to hate this lady. She’s getting an all-paid vacation and all she does is complain?

“So help me God Evan if you don’t want to feel the wrath of a raging Latina while we’re in the middle of nowhere, I highly suggest that you produce some hard liquor. Top shelf preferably,”

Yes, let’s reinforce the stereotype that latinas are just angry women.

“You know, you could’ve warned a girl about the dangers of sleeping in rich people’s homes. I didn’t even know what day or year it was until a couple of moments ago,”

Her dad is a doctor. Her friends’ parents are doctors. I don’t buy the whole “he’s so rich and I don’t know what money is” thing.

I have no business thinking about being in another relationship so soon, especially with someone like Evan. You don’t half ass date someone your entire family knows! Nope. I just have to stay the course. Stay single for at least a year, and work hard to get that promotion in Miami.

Honestly, fuck this chick. The guy you’ve crushed on your whole life tells you he’s had feeling for you for a decade and now you want to be single and independent and lonely to defy familial expectations?

And just like that, my stomach dive makes a U-turn and shoots right up into my heart, performing what I am pretty sure is an impressive fireworks show. This man … “Oh. Wow. Evan, that is so sweet of you. Obnoxiously sweet. Teetering on me never being able to be an asshole to you again, sweet.”

Nah, you’ve been an AH to him the entire book so far. Keep that same energy.

“Yeah, I know. Maybe that’s why I’m almost thirty and still single,” I say as a joke, one that clearly doesn’t land for Evan.

I’m getting bored of the self-deprecating crap. It’s not cute.

“He was the last person I dated before my mom died. She wavered in her feelings about him every time we broke up, but she always made a point to say that he was a good man, but just had a little bit of growing up to do. I have memories of them together, of them laughing and dancing. I think I clung onto him at the end because I wanted to marry someone my mother knew, someone she approved of.

There’s nothing like toxic Latin families guilting you doing what they want you to do.

I’m still trying to figure out if Miami will be the solution to my cultural identity crisis. You know, the one where I constantly feel like I’m not Latina enough, because I was born in the states instead of the island. While also not being gringa enough because one look at me, and you can see the lineage of my ancestors in my eyes, hair and hips.

This is the first time this topic is being brought up and we’re at 58%. Why? If it’s such a big thing for the FMC why wait so long to mention it?

“Nikki told you, didn’t she,” Antonio huffs. “I did not! How dare you question my surprise party duties?!” Nikki glares at Antonio.

The best thing this book has done is get me excited for the sequel with these two.

Worrying about the ‘qué dirán’, the ‘what will people say’

These two things mean the same thing

“Yes, I did. I just thought that you were proposing to me today. I got all worked up in the car. But this is amazing. Even better than a proposal, if you ask me! It’s property in New York City!” I snort, followed by a cackle of laughter.

Best thing she’s said so far and we’re at 93%

“Look. I’m sorry … For being an asshole and all.” She laughs. “We’re too grown for this shit, and life is clearly too short to be fighting over literally nothing. I’d like to get a chance to know the grown up version of Amelia. The one I’ve been too busy filling in the blanks for. That is, if you’re also willing to get to know me. I’m a lot more versatile than you think. I don’t even date married men anymore.” She nudges my shoulder. “Which by the way, was a complete misunderstanding, but everyone was too busy sensationalizing it to listen to my version of events.” She sighs into her glass.

So what we’re not gonna do is have Priscilla apologize since Amelia is the judgmental AH