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“I have a reasonable amount of depression,” I said from inside the SUV.
The problem with Shay was there was no way to resist her.
She was beautiful in a way that overwhelmed me, though it wasn’t just her face, her body. She was a sunbeam through a storm cloud.
She begged and pleaded like her life depended on getting just a little more time with Shay. Unfortunately, I knew how she felt.
I dipped my face, pressing my lips to her temple. Her hair smelled lovely. I remembered that scent. It had lingered in my car when we were kids. She’d stayed with me even when she wasn’t.
There’d never been a moment where I wanted to kiss her more than I did right now, and I’d devoted two years of my life to wanting to kiss her. Yet this was different. It was so much more powerful. Truly, a rockslide.
The smile I’d caught yesterday, the lightness in her—I hadn’t realized I’d missed it until it was there again, bright and warm and magnetic. I was so fucked.
I swallowed hard. One of these days, she was going to figure it all out and then—then—I’d really be fucked.
“Start at the beginning. Leave nothing out. What are the dogs’ names?” “Bernie Sanders, Elliot Stabler, Olivia Benson, Sandra Day O’Connor, and RuPaul were the troublemakers,” Gennie said.
“He doesn’t want me,” I whispered, and those words pained me to articulate. There were so, so many people who didn’t want me and it hurt every time I found another to add to the list.
She deserved everything, even if I couldn’t be the one to give it to her.
“Nothing’s wrong. You’re—you’re perfect.”
This was the great paradox of my mother. If Shay had been a member of the congregation, she would’ve embraced every one of her rough edges and abrupt endings. She would’ve admired Shay’s willingness to try again—and again and again. And she’d marvel in the woman my wife had become. She’d celebrate Shay. But my mother couldn’t extend that grace when it came to anyone who passed beyond the arm’s length of the congregation and into the circle of her family. And that circle was rife with judgment and straitjacket structure and expectations that had never made a whole hell of a lot of sense.
I wanted—just for one second—for him to be my husband. And I wanted it to be real.
“And I thought you were going to drop some weight. You didn’t.”
FUCK THIS GUY
I THINK HE SHOULD DIE
She looked like she needed to be held and adored for days.
STOP SHUT UP
“Gennie’s missing,” she said.
WHAT THE FUCK
Abandoning people before they abandon you won’t make anything better.”
“You have a lot of practice at ignoring all the reasons a situation is wrong for you so it’s going to take some time to recognize why it’s right.
“I just—I don’t know—I know he’s going to leave. Or he’ll realize he wants to leave but can’t because he’s trapped in this thing with me or it would hurt Gennie or—”
OHMYGOD ITS LIKE YOU DONT WANT TO JUST BE HAPPY
