8 Rules of Love: How to Find It, Keep It, and Let It Go

by Jay Shetty

“When you like a flower, you pluck it. When you love a flower, you water it daily.”

Love is a daily effort.

Love is all around us,

In the first ashram, Brahmacharya, we prepare for love.

The second ashram, Grhastha, is when we extend our love to others while still loving ourselves.

define the deepest love as when you like someone’s personality, respect their values, and help them toward their goals in a long-term, committed relationship.

Vanaprastha, the third ashram, is a healing place where we retreat to seek peace.

The fourth ashram, Sannyasa, is the epitome of love—when we’re extending our love to every person and every moment of our life.

The hives were a gentle hint that I didn’t know what I was doing; that I should think about the person standing in front of me instead of the images of fairy-tale love that constantly bombard us.

Love is not about staging the perfect proposal or creating a perfect relationship. It’s about learning to navigate the imperfections that are intrinsic to ourselves, our partners, and life itself.

“Language has created the word ‘loneliness’ to express the pain of being alone. And it has created the word ‘solitude’ to express the glory of being alone.”

The lens of loneliness makes us insecure and prone to bad decisions. The lens of solitude makes us open and curious.

You spend more time with yourself than anyone else in your lifetime. Take the time to appreciate your strengths and admit the areas where you need work.

When we’re alone we fully rely on ourselves, figure out what we care about, and learn who we are. We learn to navigate challenges on our own. We can, of course, welcome help if it comes along, but we don’t expect or depend on it.

This is so important to remember, that being independent and asking forhelp can coexist but knowing you can do something alone is important and ends up making you more confident when alone.

We have to train ourselves not to instantly like and trust the most attractive person in the room without remembering that we don’t know this person or understand them.

Then, when our narrative intersects someone else’s, we don’t make choices based on infatuation or follow someone else’s vision of love or passively let things play out without knowing what we want. Instead, we gradually express the standard we’ve developed to see how it fits with theirs. And when we’re in solitude again, we reflect and evolve.

We learn the difference between what feels good and what feels nourishing. Often if something is healthy for us, it seems hard before but great after. The clearest example of this is exercise, but it extends into more complex decisions, like giving up a Saturday to help a friend move or breaking off a relationship that you know isn’t working.

People determine how to treat us in large part by observing how we treat ourselves.

The way you speak about yourself affects how people will speak with you. The way you allow yourself to be spoken to reinforces what people think you deserve.

Other people can help you, but if you’re not trying to understand yourself, nobody else can do it for you.

You want to go on a journey with someone, not to make them your journey.

Karma is the law of cause and effect. Every action produces a reaction.

Karma is more about the mindset in which we make a decision.

If there is a gap in how our parents raised us, we look to others to fill it. And if there is a gift in how our parents raised us, we look to others to give us the same.

We first seek validation from those closest to us. Then, unsatisfied, we look for it from everyone. And finally, we find it in ourselves.

And many parents themselves struggle with self-confidence, self-esteem, self-improvement, self-love, self-care. It’s hard for them to pass these qualities on to their kids when they have their own challenges.

Important to remember this is also tbeir first tim living and learning. If tbey do not conciously try and make a differenve for themselves like i am they will not have similar viewpoints i agree with.

No matter which side of hard-to-get you’re on, if you are not spending time together, you’re not building a relationship.

The only way we can know what qualities a person truly has is by spending time with them and observing them.

If you put something into the world, you get it back. This is karma in its most basic form. If I use money to present myself as valuable, I’ll attract someone who believes that money is what makes me valuable.

When we present ourselves, we are signaling the dynamic we want, how we expect to be treated, what we think we deserve.

Once we fulfill our own needs, we’re in a better place to see what a relationship can give us.

Meanwhile, and always, you can give yourself what you want to receive.

In the three minutes you’ve set aside in the morning, sit by yourself and pick one thing you can do for yourself today to improve your day.

In the last three minutes of the day, assess how you felt about the one thing you picked.

Love takes time.

To discount the many forms of love is to miss many beautiful possibilities.

You don’t have to have the same personality so long as you enjoy each other. You don’t have to share their values so long as you respect them. Their goals don’t even have to be things you want or enjoy. But are you interested in having these aspects of who they are and who they want to be as part of your day-to-day life, and coming to pass near or alongside you?

“One of the secrets to a good relationship is being attracted to someone out of choice rather than out of need.”

How you handle your differences is more important than finding your similarities.

We need to make mistakes, identify what we need to change, and work on doing better. This is where we grow as individuals and together.

What’s really important to you right now? 2. What do you need to get there?

Is there anything I can do to help you?

You may do something in a day while your partner takes a week. Your timeline is not correct. A guru moves at the time and pace of the student, without a deadline.

Remember, you are trying to nourish your partner’s joy.

tyakta mana—humble and prideless.

Humility is honoring other people’s skills, abilities, and growth rather than dishonoring your own.

krita-vid-sisya—grateful for knowledge.

“I put myself first because I want to give the best version of myself to you and our family.” Putting oneself first sounds selfish, and it can be if you’re eating all the cookies or grabbing the best seat at the table. But for any of us to bring the best version of ourselves to our relationships, we have to pursue our own purpose or spiritual calling. In Hinduism it’s called our dharma.

As long as a person is pursuing their purpose, they’re already living it.

if either partner doesn’t know their purpose or isn’t actively engaged in it, that individual emptiness impacts the relationship. The partner without a purpose might become envious of the other’s progress, in which case both partners miss out on the joy, energy, and contentment that two people who are fueled by their purpose bring to each other.