Untying the Knot

by Meghan Quinn

I cling to him like he’s a lifesaver, helping me stay afloat, yet . . . he’s also the thing drowning me.

What is wrong with me? Why am I letting this happen? Probably because I’m still desperate for him. Because I know I’ll never stop loving him despite our problems.

“I might want your body, but that doesn’t mean I want to be married to you anymore.” Because I think we’re irrevocably broken. And that is the most devastating thing in the world to me.

Ryot is right, I would never disrespect him by fucking another man while I’m still married. You can’t do that to the man you love. Even if your soul feels so broken.

“When people feel threatened and out of control, like they’re spinning, not even the strongest humans can revert to new coping behaviors. They revert to the patterns of behavior they know best. And even though they’re not handling their emotions appropriately, they’re still managing, they’re still breathing, and they’re still walking along in this world.”

“You told me you have baggage. I’m attempting to show you that you can trust me with that. I’m not here to play games. I’m not here to coax you into bed for one fucking hot night. I’m here because I like you, I want to get to know you more, and maybe, if you’re ready one day, you’ll let me take you out on a date, but I want to go at your pace. So yeah, I’m giving you the option on how to approach the somber mood you just fell into. I don’t want to push you or make you uncomfortable. I want you to know that when you’re around me, with me, you can rest on my shoulder, on my strength, on my courage, and any burden you might be carrying, I’ll help you carry it as well.”

And for the record, just in case I didn’t make it clear enough, I like you too, Myla. A lot. You make me smile, you make me happy, you make me think, and you make me feel alive. If you’re ever wondering what you bring to the table, it’s all those things. In the world of baseball, we don’t get much time to breathe, but you, you’re my breath of fresh air.”

Our goals are different, and our desires and needs are different. I might matter to him, but I don’t matter the most. And that’s the cold, hard truth. Which breaks my heart. We were once so incredible together.

“Do you want the truth, or do you want to argue?” she asks with a pointed look. “The truth,” I answer, swallowing hard. “Then don’t interrupt me and just listen.”

“I guess there’s no true way to break apart a love you thought would last forever.”

And until my dying day, I know losing you will go down as my biggest regret.’”

“But you still love her.” “Doesn’t matter. Love isn’t enough in this situation,”

“I love you more than anything, Myla. I need you to know that.” I lift and kiss her eyes, her nose, her mouth again. “And I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry I hurt you.” Her hand strokes the back of my head as she says, “I know.” And then she kisses me again, and I can feel her passion all the way to the tips of my toes, but even though she’s here in my arms, holding me tightly, I can’t help but think about how I told her I love her . . . and she didn’t say it back.

“You know, sometimes we have to consider that there’s more to life than what we accomplish and the goals we check off.” He sets his drink on the table and turns toward me. “There’s a reason the human body is conditioned to love, and it’s so we don’t have to walk around this planet alone. So we don’t have to face the trials and tribulations of our journey in the dark, but rather in the light from the guidance of the ones we love. Goals and dreams come and go, but love, that lasts forever. Don’t lose it because you’re too worried about what might happen to your goals.”