None of This Is True

by Lisa Jewell

As the words leave her mouth, Josie feels the gnawing sense of grief that she has experienced for most of her life rush through her. She’s never found anything to pin the feeling to before; she never knew what it meant. But now she knows what it means. It means she’s wrong, that everything, literally everything, about her is wrong and that she’s running out of time to make herself right.

Is it any wonder that Alix is so torn about her marriage, when her husband is capable of such acts of generosity and affection, whilst also capable of making her want to die?

Alix squirms. This woman, she strongly suspects, loathes her daughter.

it wasn’t happening because I wasn’t ready. I really wasn’t. I had so much I wanted to do. I was halfway through this essay, and I wanted to finish it. And I nearly did, even through the contractions. But then it got too much and my mum got us a taxi to St. Mary’s and four hours later, the baby arrived. What happened in those four hours is not something I ever want to think about or talk about ever again.”

But it is clear to Alix that Pat is actually a raging narcissist, and that no child of a narcissist ever makes it out into the world unscathed. This knowledge adds nuance to her view of Josie, helps make more sense of her.

He hated himself like that and that was why he didn’t come home. Not because he didn’t want to be with her, but because he didn’t want her to be with him.