None of This Is True

by Lisa Jewell

“That was my husband. Yes. Not my father. And no, you are not the first person to make that mistake. My husband is a lot older than me. I’ve been with him since I was fifteen.” Josie pauses and glances up at Alix. Alix tries to hide her surprise. “Fifteen,” she repeats. “And he was…?” “Forty-two.” Alix falls silent for a moment. “Wow. That’s…” “Yes. I know. I know how it seems. But it didn’t quite feel like it sounds at the time. It’s hard to explain.” Josie purses her lips and shrugs. “There’s power in being a teenager. I miss that power in some ways. I would like it back.” “In what way was there power?” Josie shrugs again. “Just in the way that you have something a lot of people want. A lot of men want. And a lot of them want it. They want it so much.” “It? You mean youth?” “Yes. That’s exactly what I mean. And when you meet someone who is very clear about what they want and you know that the only thing that stands between what they want and what you have is your consent… Sometimes, as a very young girl, there’s a power in giving that consent. Or at least, that’s how it felt at the time. That’s how they make you feel. But really, it’s not, is it? I can see that now. I can see that maybe I was being used, that maybe I was even being groomed? But that feeling of being powerful, right at the start, when I was still in control. I miss that sometimes. I really do. And what I’d like, more than anything, is to get it back.”