More on this book
Community
Kindle Notes & Highlights
Today is her forty-fifth birthday. She finds it hard to believe. Once she’d been young and she’d thought forty-five would come slow and impossible. She’d thought forty-five would be another world. But it came fast and it’s not what she thought it would be.
rather an abyss formed of trauma that she keeps circling and circling with a knot of dread in the pit of her stomach.
And there in the middle of it all is Alix Summer with her big smile and her big teeth, her hair that catches the light, her simple gold chain with something hanging from it
She rests a card on the table and Josie sees that it has the number 45 printed on it. She nudges Walter. “Look,” she says. “Forty-five. We’re birthday twins.”
It means she’s wrong, that everything, literally everything, about her is wrong and that she’s running out of time to make herself right.
Death is a clean break.
She’s a consummate lurker. She never posts, she never comments, she never likes. She just looks.
Josie listens to nearly thirty episodes of Alix’s podcast over the following week.
Im scared
that sense that there is something bringing her and Alix Summer together, something in the universe.
Girl no you're just creepy
Born on the same day. In the same hospital. Celebrated their forty-fifth birthdays in the same pub, at the same time. And now this. It means something, she’s sure it does.
She pulls out six jars of baby food; they’re the bigger jars for seven-month-plus babies. They’re mainly meat-and-vegetable blends. But no peas. Erin will not countenance peas. Josie takes off the lids and microwaves them. When they’re warm, but not hot—Erin will not eat hot food—she
Pardon???
She turns on her phone and goes to the browser and types in “Roxy Fair.” Then she goes into “Tools” and sets the timings to “Past week” so that she only sees the most recent results. She does this twice a day, every day. Every time there is nothing. Roxy has most probably changed her name by now, she knows that.
What in the hell is going on w these kids
I’m not like a stalker or anything.
Me when I'm a stalker who stalked you
She could open the door a crack, just grab a glimpse of her baby, but she knows what else lies on the other side of that door and she doesn’t have the stomach for it. Not now. Maybe later.
Hello?
Josie thinks of Alix’s eight thousand followers on Instagram.
This really is not a lot lol
Walter didn’t really have much to do with the girls’ schooling, especially after all that business with the social services when Erin was in year six.
What is the tea!
Is it any wonder that Alix is so torn about her marriage, when her husband is capable of such acts of generosity and affection, whilst also capable of making her want to die?
My husband is a lot older than me. I’ve been with him since I was fifteen.” Josie pauses and glances up at Alix. Alix tries to hide her surprise. “Fifteen,” she repeats. “And he was…?” “Forty-two.”
WHAT
Her hand goes to the inside pocket of her handbag, where she touches the smooth skin of the Nespresso pod she’d taken when Alix wasn’t looking.
😭 what are we doing here
through her bedroom door, squeak squeak, notices that the smell from Erin’s room is starting to drift out into the hallway now.
What is in there help
Then she takes the Nespresso pod from inside her handbag and tucks it into her underwear drawer, right at the very back.
Normal
Jason: “Because he left my mum for a teenager and my mum was so disgusted that she emigrated us out of the country.”
Woof
At eight thirty she calls him. It goes to voicemail. And she knows. Alix knows.
What's this guy up to then
From somewhere else in the flat she hears the muted sounds of her husband’s voice. She tucks in her earplugs and turns the page of her book.
IM SCARED
And there was this one time, I think when Erin was in year six, just toward the end of her time here…” Mandy pauses and looks around herself again before continuing in a semi-whisper, “She came in with a broken arm. And there was all this talk about how she’d fallen out of bed and then one day she told a friend that it was Roxy.”
Other people have been out here all day, enjoying themselves, enjoying the weather, enjoying their friends and their children. Other people have been living.
Alix squirms. This woman, she strongly suspects, loathes her daughter.
But it is clear to Alix that Pat is actually a raging narcissist, and that no child of a narcissist ever makes it out into the world unscathed. This knowledge adds nuance to her view of Josie, helps make more sense of her.
Nathan has his own priorities, his own secrets. She should have some too.
She decides that she can’t do it. Not today.
Dude she sucks so bad
Everything she thought, did, wanted, cared about back then had been through the filter of Walter.
It’s her lucky jacket, the jacket she was wearing when her life turned around, when she went from being the sort of girl who drank warm cider with rough boys to the sort of girl who had the love of a real man,
And there it is, the point which it all boils down to eventually. The point where there are no words, no theories, no explanations for behaviors that baffle and infuriate and hurt. Just that. Men.
“But when you think about Nathan dying, how does it make you feel? Really? Inside? Does it make you feel sad? Or does it make you feel… free?”
She is so scary
“What’s her name?” “Alix.” “Alix? Isn’t that the name of the woman, when we were at that pub on your birthday?” “Yes.” “Is it her?” “Yes.”
LOL
Then he turns to her and says, “Josie. Leave it.”
Talking to her like a dog aight
WEDNESDAY, 10 JULY
What kind of shenanigans are gonna happen on my bday
“You know, I’m probably going to tell Alix about the girls.” His head snaps toward her. “What do you mean, tell her?” “I’m going to tell her. What happened. What we did.” He narrows his eyes at her. “Are you mad?”
What did you DO!!!
“Help us? Fuck, Josie. She’ll call the fucking police.”
I'm scared
She’s starting to feel that Erin is part of the problem here. She’s starting to feel like Erin is no longer on her side.
Oh good lord
Nathan is still not home at seven thirty.
I hate this mf
Walter smiles shyly at Alix and gives her his hand to shake. He has had a brutal haircut since the last time Alix saw him and is wearing brand-new clothes with sharp crease marks down the legs and sleeves.
Clocked him
“I’m sorry, Alix, but I think that’s disgusting.” Alix stops halfway to the tap with the pasta pan and turns back to Josie. “I—” “Seriously. I’m sorry. But I could hear him, on the phone, slurring. And here you are, slaving over a nice meal for him, entertaining guests, looking so nice. Who does he think he is?”
Girl I don't think you're in a place to judge
And then she thinks of Josie’s daughters with the dead eyes and she suddenly wants to scrap the whole thing; get the champagne out of the fridge and hand it back to them, hustle them down the hallway, out of the front door, and forget that she had ever allowed Josie Fair into her life.
You coming, Josie?” Josie smiles. “No,” she says. “That’s OK. You go. I’ve already seen it.”
Oh she's about to be so creepy in this house i just know it
“And your ex-wife,” she continues. “Was she much younger than you?” “No. Not really. She was ten years younger than me.” “And how old were you when you met her?” “Oh God.” He scratches at the back of his neck and screws up his eyes. “I must have been late twenties, I suppose.”
Gross I hate it here he did it TWICE
Jojo’s got what you might call an elastic relationship with the truth.”
“Josie just likes to control things. You know? If she knew that I’d been talking to you, she would feel like she was losing control of you.”
“Believe me, I know Josie better than anyone, and she’s a control freak. And you don’t even realize you’re being controlled until it’s too late.”
“Why was the lady standing outside your studio?” “The lady who was here?” “Yes. The lady who was here. She was standing outside your studio, when you were in there with that old man, like she was listening. I saw her. Through those doors. She looked really cross. Really, really cross.”
LOL
