Quietly Hostile

by Samantha Irby

I don’t have a lot of coping mechanisms that aren’t wholly self-destructive, but here is one good one that I will recommend: saying I like things that I like.

They say things in a way that makes you feel like you have to apologize for liking them, that puts you on the defensive, that sends you down an internal spiral thinking, Why do I like the dumb shit I like? and questioning your entire life’s history of tastes and choices, all because you had the nerve to…express enjoyment of something mundane.

I’d need a sociology degree to write about this in a real way, but we live in such a hilariously stupid time, where everyone is just hurling expectations of justification at each other constantly, and I’m sorry, lads, but I don’t like it.

QUIETLY HOSTILE is how I would describe my public personality; I am mild-mannered and super polite, but just beneath the surface of my skin, my blood is electrified and I am one inconsiderate driver away from a full Falling Down–style emotional collapse.

I don’t know how to teach a child not to seethe and instead to develop a healthy coping and communication style, because I do not know how to do that for myself.

During my interview I said, “Can I give Carrie diarrhea?” and I was hired immediately.

Comparison is the thief of joy,

Soooo true!

Do not try to engage or bond with them over anything young people like.

Never earnestly ask for their opinions on literally anything you enjoy.