Quietly Hostile

by Samantha Irby

Can I keep talking on my cell phone in the restroom? WHY DO PEOPLE DO THIS?! Who in the world are you talking to who doesn’t immediately clap their flip phone shut the minute they hear your voice echoing off the metal stalls of a public bathroom? What do you have to say that can’t wait thirty seconds, or thirty minutes? Is a child lost? Has a dam broken? Did your car burst into flames? Have two celebrities whose happiness you are deeply invested in decided to get married?! Please tell me, what is the emergency that is so fucking dire you must subject a lady who is just trying to have discreet burrito diarrhea in a shopping mall to a conversation you could easily resume after you’ve done your business? I don’t want to talk to you while you’re sitting very still in a dark, air-conditioned room where no one’s privates are exposed, let alone when there is a chorus of other people’s farts providing musical accompaniment.