Quietly Hostile

by Samantha Irby

Save more money? But what about buying stuff ? Learn a new skill? Where and also how and also with what brain? Get organized? But I love mess. Lose weight? Is there a pill for that, and if so can I take it in cheese like a dog? Eliminate bad habits? Who would I be without them? Have compassion for myself ? But I’m a dumbass who sucks at everything and is unworthy of love.

“Love is all we need, dear” Now, I do not believe in this; I believe we need shelter and clothing and shoes and a strong Wi-Fi hookup and an income stream and cell phones and a linen duvet cover and air-conditioning and a coffee machine we both know how to use and separate dressers and similar furniture preferences and a car with all-wheel drive and some cats and designated sides of the bed and a shared belief on how many refrigerated condiments is too many and good dish soap

I was talking to a man (first mistake),