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It’s fun, and Caroline feels like it chases away those cobwebs of loneliness that have been making their home in her life for the last few years.
But she likes this routine. She likes these nights, the weekend outings. She likes that they are friends. Sometimes, she thinks, boundaries are overrated.
“There’s nowhere else I’d rather be. How often do I have to tell you?”
She doesn’t think she’s ever had a better Friday night.
“I told you: I don’t do things I don’t want to do. I want to be with you, Hannah.” More than she should, really. More than is good for her. More than is wise or safe for her heart.
“World class mother, best barista in the city, incredible cook, architecture expert, and my personal defender.” Hannah blushes, and Caroline’s never been more charmed by a woman in her entire life. Even as Hannah rolls her eyes. “Yeah, that’s me.”
But mostly, she wishes that Hannah could look in the mirror every day and see that she shines as bright as the moon and has twice the gravitational pull.
Like in this moment, she understands why everything in the world – wars and songs and all of the literature – comes back to this.
and you understand now why they lost their minds and fought the wars and why i’ve spent my whole life trying to put it into words
She didn’t mean to fall in love with Hannah at all. But here she is, curled up with a family that isn’t quite hers, and she’s never wanted anything more. So. Fucked.
But Hannah’s smile is warm enough that Caroline feels it everywhere. “Good. We’d hate it if you disappeared.”
She’s never in her wildest dreams imagined getting a card for Father’s Day, but she does from Abbie the following day, and she puts it up proudly on her fridge.
There’s an acute pain in her chest at the words, because Hannah just has no idea just how true her words are – just how hers Caroline is.
“It would be annoying,” she starts, the smile on her lips melting into that endeared one she gets for Caroline. “If I didn’t agree with everything she says about you.”
“If I could have my daughter look up to anyone in our lives, I would choose you.”
“You’re kind of my hero, too,” Hannah finishes, her voice barely above a whisper as she confides that bit of information to Caroline.
Caroline loves kids. She’s always wanted kids. But she’s never had her heart so completely melted by one in her life.
“And I just want it to stay in the box it’s in because as soon as we talk about it, as soon as the box is open – it’ll be different.”
she’s just like me!!!!!
She wants Hannah every night. All of the time. In every way.
“Risk or not, I’m thankful for you, Caroline. Happy Thanksgiving.”
And because she just wanted to see her. That serotonin hit.
It looks like a family lives here. Like her family lives here.
“I did it because… I want your problems to be my problems. And I want my problems to be yours. I like the idea that you’d come to me at the end of a hard day and know that I want to be there for you. And that it doesn’t have anything to do with taking anything away from your independence, Hannah, because your independence is something I love about you. One of the many things. Because I just… love you.”
“I love that you always put Abbie first. I love that you are probably the strongest person I’ve ever met. I love how persistent you are, how stubborn, how determined – and I love that all of those words somehow feel different when I use them to describe you. I love that you’re sweet and warm and sexy and that you can take anything that comes your way with grace, but if the same thing happens to someone you care about, then you’re ready to go to war.”
“I want you and Abbie, every day. I want everything with you and that’s… a lot. I know,” she admits, the weight of it crushing. “I’m not asking for everything right now. I’m not asking for you to… to love me, to take a leap with me. I only want that when you’re ready. I’m just asking to know that you are really in this.”
I love her body. I can’t stop staring. I get it. The curve of her waist. The fullness of her breasts. Her hands. I just, get it. Desire. True, sheer desire.
No one has ever looked at me the way she does.
“I just didn’t realize until I looked back that I didn’t draw you just like I drew other people. Like a building. I drew you… like I would draw a queen. Like I’m in love with you.”
“But I do. I trust you. With my daughter and with me. All of me. And I want to take the leap with you, Caroline. Sometimes I might not be able to find the right words, but I feel them.”
Abbie squeals, the sound of excited triumph. “I did it!”
Caroline might believe in Christmas magic. Just a bit.
