Pumpkin Spice and Not So Nice

by Becky Monson

But with the Petersons, it’s doubly hard. We’re all close, but not like those lovey-dovey families you see on those cheesy shows. We’re close in a super dysfunctional way. Like, all up in each other’s business.

He’s a schmoozer, that one. And so many red flags. So many that his red flags have red flags.

Five days of this and it’s practically become a habit. Which is funny because I’ve been working out regularly for the past six years and I still feel like it’s something I have to force myself to do. Twenty-one days to make a habit is a joke.

“It’s kind of a long story” is the easy way of saying “I don’t feel like telling you.”

Emotionally Unavailable Men: Looking for flaws is one of their specialties.

“The Petersons are weird?” I ask, feeling affronted. I mean, we absolutely are. I can say that—and I have many, many times—but no one else is allowed to. Certainly not an outsider who’s spent only a couple of hours around us.

You’ll replay a lot of conversations in your mind and dwell on lots of things you wish you would have or could have said. Try not to waste your brainpower on it.

I aim to annoy, like a little sister should.

Emotionally Unavailable Men: Don’t expect apologies. They are about as frequent as actual sightings of bigfoot.

“Okay, then say it.” He scrunches his nose. “I thought I just did.” “You said you came to apologize, but you didn’t actually say the words I’m sorry.”

I really hate that he’s pretty. The only good to come from last night is that even though I can acknowledge he’s attractive, I can honestly say I don’t feel anything for him. Not a smidgen of warmth. I don’t even think his forearms would do anything for me. I’m not ready to test that theory, though, so I hope he keeps his jacket on.

How do I nicely say this has been the most boring four hours of my life and I don’t think I can extend it a minute longer?

I like kids too. And if it’s not in the cards for me to have them, I can be the best aunt ever to my niece and nephews. I’ll make them appreciate my fart jokes.

“She returned something to me that I’d lost a month ago, and I think I fell for her then.”