He Who Fights With Monsters 8 (He Who Fights with Monsters, #8)

by Shirtaloon

“Because there are worse things in the dark than monsters,”

“People can’t betray you if you didn’t trust them in the first place.”

Jason, do you remember the day we met, walking across the desert after escaping that sacrifice chamber?” “You mean the day I was sucked into another universe, found out magic is real, almost got sacrificed by a cult, killed a bunch of people, found a cannibal kitchen and got magic powers? It rings a bell.”

“Neil,” Jason said, “you’re a silver-rank elven adventurer who’s about sixty percent abdominal muscle. If you’re having trouble attracting women, then your flirting techniques must be catastrophically bad. It’s not that hard. Keep your mouth closed, your shirt open and give it about one minute.”

“As team leader,” Humphrey said, “I'm going to have to overrule you, Belinda. If it's cake sandwiches, you absolutely must prioritise them over stopping Neil from getting stabbed. He has to take some responsibility for himself.” “You all realise that a lot of teams are looking for a good healer, right?” Neil asked. “Why don't you ever talk about Clive getting stabbed?” “Who would stab Clive?” Sophie asked through team chat. “Everyone loves Clive.” “Yeah.” “Agreed.” “Definitely.” “Except his wife.” “Dammit, Jason!”

“You are going to get us struck down by the divine hand of vengeance.” “That’s why we need to rank up,” Jason said cheerfully. “So we can slap them back if they get ornery.” Humphrey looked at Jason incredulously. “You can’t rank up enough to fight gods.” “Not with that attitude.

“We all take on burdens as we go through life,” Jason said. “It gets heavier for everyone.”

“Be extremely cautious about the accusations you make,” he warned. “Your soul belongs to Purity, but the means by which it comes to him remain an open question.” “Are you threatening me, priest?” “Yes. Never forget that you were filth that I picked up, washed off and gave the privilege of serving the most pure. If you want to be returned to the garbage pile, I can quite readily have you chopped up and composted.”

You know what I am and what I’ve done, so I will give you a moment to think very carefully before deciding if you’re going to leave this room or die in it.”

“Hey!” the woman called out. “I might be on a loose schedule, but it’s still a schedule. Can you hurry up and try to kidnap me so I can start punching you, please?” “Does she know why we’re here?” “Obviously, she knows why we're here.” “That’s bad, right?”

“In Girlano,” Liara said bitterly. “That whole country is a stain full of drug dealers and smugglers.” “A wretched hive of scum and villainy?” Jason asked. “Don’t answer that,” Sophie told her. “That’s his ‘I’m talking some nonsense you won’t understand for my own amusement’ voice.”

“I don’t have a lot of experience with murdering people,” Sophie said. “Killing, yes, but not murdering. Even then, I’m fairly certain that people who think they’re about to get murdered don’t lick their lips a whole bunch while talking about buttering up your flanks.” “Really? Okay, that does sound creepy.”

Jason won. If he's determined to do something, I'm not sure he can be stopped. It's just a question of how much damage he does in the process.

“Are you sure you couldn’t find a way to be more dramatic, Mr Asano?” “Not really the time, Shade.” “Perhaps a smoke bomb?” “You see the people coming to attack me, right?” “A background choir, chanting your name in slow, ominous tones?”

“I’d love a look in those vessels the Order of Redeeming Light use,” Clive said, eyeing off the vehicles. “So would every artificer in this room,” Humphrey said. “Priorities.” “I’ll see if I can steal you one,” Belinda said. “No, you won’t,” Humphrey told her firmly. “Oh, yeah, absolutely not,” she said unconvincingly, nodding at Clive behind Humphrey’s back.

“It’s called banter, lady. If you’re going to do it, at least learn the nomenclature. And I also use it to mask my nervousness in tense situations. This definitely counts, given how many times you’ve tried to stab me already. So I’m going to keep the banter coming if it's all the same to you.”

“So stern, young master Geller, but we all know you’re too much the good little boy to be truly intimidating. If you want to threaten me, you should have Mr Asano do it. He tries to be a good boy, but we all know what he is deep down.” “Look, lady,” Jason said, sounding bored. “I love an evil, seductive prisoner even more than the next guy…” He glanced from Humphrey on one side of him to Neil on the other. “…well, one out of two.” “Hey,” Neil said with an affronted expression. “You’re also my friend’s mum,” Jason continued, “which does not make it hotter, whatever Clive might have said.” “Hey!” “I’m all for playing silly buggers, by and large, but we don’t have time for that right now,” Jason said, ignoring the looks he got from the rest of his team.

“Do you think Jason’s going to be alright?” Travis asked. “Of course he is,” Gary said. “He’ll come out, say something smug and have some ridiculous new soul power. That’s what always happens. I tried mourning him once—total waste of time. Turns out he just went off to visit his mum.”

“I don’t believe we’ve had the pleasure. I am Carlos Quilido, priest of the Healer.” “Farrah Hurin,” she said. “I’m more about the other side of the business.” “The other side?” “Putting people in need of healing.” “Ah.”

“I don’t strictly hold that gods are more powerful than me,” Soramir clarified. “They simply operate on a different paradigm.”

“As my god explained it, Asano seems to have attempted to found another temple on the land around his existing one.” “A temple to what?” “Himself.” “That may be the single most arrogant thing I have ever heard. And I’ve met people who rule planets.”

What if most of them don't even exist and it's just a small handful of them mucking about? The whole pantheon could be one guy with the world's most over-elaborate puppet show.”

I loved the idea of being the hero right up until I was.”

“I think I need to talk with Dawn,” Jason said. “Do you think she’ll be cranky that I ate the magic bridge?” “She gave you an object of great power and you used it to do something absurd, Mr Asano. If she failed to anticipate that by this stage, the shortcoming is hers.” “That’s certainly true, but what I asked is if she’ll be cranky.” “Yes, Mr Asano. I do believe she will.”

“Pain’s been a companion longer than you have, Neil. I like you more.” “Oh, you find me to be a better companion than excruciating pain. That’s very gratifying.” “Oh, definitely,” Jason said. “You’re in the top twenty for sure.” “I’m in the top twenty companions in a six-person team?” “Thirteen-person team, when you count familiars, then there’s Rufus and his team, Alejandro Albericci—” “Who?” “The guy who put my new wardrobe together.” “The tailor counts as a companion?” “I wear his work everywhere. Then there’s Clive’s wife.” “Clive’s wife is imaginary!” “Yeah,” Jason said, shaking his head sadly. “Poor bloke. But that’s why she’s barely above you.”

Trying to explain them would be like trying to get a pebble to appreciate poetry or you to be quietly anonymous.” “Oh, that’s hilarious.” “Mr Asano, we are in a clifftop temple you built to yourself while unconscious and projecting a kilometre high image of your inner soul.” “That was an accident.” “Yes, Mr Asano, but you do seem rather accident-prone.”

“When you just keep repeating what I say in an increasingly angry tone, it makes me think that you’re angry.” “Jason, what did you do?” “That same thing I always do! I almost got killed, weird stuff happened and now I have to deal with it to save the world.”

“The things that make you useful also make you trouble.” “I think you just titled my memoir.” “Or your epitaph.”

A shadow of the Reaper, an echo of annihilation and a world-eater. Do you know where your friend Colin comes from, Jason Asano?” “I don’t really do background checks,” Jason said.

“Maybe I’m growing as a person?” “That would be very welcome, Mr Asano,” Shade’s voice came from Jason’s shadow. “You say that like you don’t think it happened.” “Mr Asano, there is a fireman’s pole running the entire height of the pagoda.” “I said personal growth, Shade. I didn’t say anything about maturity.”

“When it comes to Jason, you’ll find that the very serious and the very silly go hand-in-hand.”

My job is to fix problems, usually by making them suffer and die.

“You rattled a lot of windows when you had gods and great astral beings coming by to chat on your lawn.” “Okay, a few points. One, there was only one god, and he wasn’t invited. You know what gods are like.” “No, Jason. I do not know what gods are like.”

“Mr Asano,” Shade’s voice came from Jason’s shadow. “I am not going to attempt to contact the Reaper in order to have him ask your deceased friend how he would like the board games he left you stored in the realm over which you have god-like power.” “Please?” “No.”