He Who Fights With Monsters 8 (He Who Fights with Monsters, #8)

by Shirtaloon

“Because there are worse things in the dark than monsters,” Neil said ominously. “You have no idea of the horrors taking place in there, even as we speak. Just thinking about it gives me the chills. At this very moment, those poor monsters are probably hearing a story about a flying carriage with spinning blades that is also somehow a wolf-shaped air elemental. It makes no sense.” “I wouldn’t call that an accurate representation of Airwolf,” Farrah said.

“It's alright for you,” Sophie said. “You went off to that team leader meeting and didn't have to hear about the talking carriage and the man with the leather jacket. Did anyone ever figure out what a Hoff is?”

experience trumped isolated training.

“Death is death, and horror is horror; we’ve all seen the people we couldn’t save. Counting the dead doesn’t make one person’s experience more important than another’s.”

“Hey, don’t worry,” Jason said. “I may be a tool, but so was Skynet. They might not give you the chance, but I will.” “What’s a sky net?” “It's a tool that people came up with that gained sentience, went rogue and enslaved what little humanity it didn't wipe out.” “I'm assuming that's a story and not something that happened.” “Yeah, just a story. The real-life version is called capitalism and it's way more insidious.”

“How could you possibly just know that? The only way that could happen would be if, during your time away, you mysteriously gained an intrinsic insight into the underpinnings of physical reality and how it interacts with dimension forces on a cosmic scale at a profoundly fundamental level. Which would be absurd, even for you.” Jason awkwardly shrugged as he scratched his neck and gave Clive an embarrassed smile. “ARE YOU KIDDING ME?” “Okay,” Jason said, holding his hands up. “So, I found this magic door…”

“Yeah, this is terrible,” Neil mumbled around a mouthful of food. “Give me that pot and I’ll take it away for you.” Rufus conjured a golden blade and casually sat it on the table. “Or I could leave it there,” Neil corrected himself.

Did I mention I'm super-rich?” “How rich?” “This one time, I killed and looted Dawn.” “WHAT?”

“Neil,” Jason said, “you’re a silver-rank elven adventurer who’s about sixty percent abdominal muscle. If you’re having trouble attracting women, then your flirting techniques must be catastrophically bad. It’s not that hard. Keep your mouth closed, your shirt open and give it about one minute.”

“I thought I was being charming.” “Most men do, in my experience.”

“As team leader,” Humphrey said, “I'm going to have to overrule you, Belinda. If it's cake sandwiches, you absolutely must prioritise them over stopping Neil from getting stabbed. He has to take some responsibility for himself.”

“Who would stab Clive?” Sophie asked through team chat. “Everyone loves Clive.” “Yeah.” “Agreed.” “Definitely.” “Except his wife.” “Dammit, Jason!”

“I’ve made a decision as team leader,” he announced. “We are now letting Jason get stabbed.” “Oh, come on,” Jason complained. “That's hardly—” Humphrey grabbed the front of Jason’s combat robes and threw him off the tower.

Transcendent light flowed out of the two essence users and into the sword Jason held up over his head. “Why are you holding your sword like that?” Humphrey asked. “Fabulous secret powers were revealed to me the day I held aloft my magic sword—” “Never mind.”

They continued to watch, Humphrey growing more uneasy at the concept of auras having component pieces. The potential revelations of what that meant for the soul were troubling.

“You do realise whose familiar I am, don’t you? I am older than some of this world’s gods and my knowledge base now includes a comprehensive understanding of the canonicity of various entries to the Knight Rider franchise.”

“You have not spent as much time with Mr Asano as I, Miss Wexler, so let me assure you that leaping to his death is very much kind of his thing.”

Any adventurer who never left Greenstone was like the guy who never left his small town and had the same petrol station job at thirty-eight he’d been doing since high school. Sophie didn’t know what that meant, but Jason had assured her it was scathing.

“I have a simple philosophy for accomplishing my goals,” he said. “You look at where you are, where you want to be, and then decide if you're willing to pay the price of walking between those two points. Almost anything can be accomplished if you have the resolve, but you have to be able to see the path.”

“A wretched hive of scum and villainy?” Jason asked.

“What makes you think I have to do what you say?” “You don’t, that’s fine,” Jason said. “I’ll let you explain to the others why we’re having spirit coins for dinner.” “Well, that’s just playing dirty,” Sophie muttered and made her way through the portal.

“You still dress like a tropical garden was violently ill.”

“He’ll come out, say something smug and have some ridiculous new soul power. That’s what always happens. I tried mourning him once—total waste of time. Turns out he just went off to visit his mum.”

I was surprised by how common it was for those with what was effectively absolute power to fantasise about being powerless. Never truly powerless, though; they always leave themselves an out. A method of control.

“It doesn’t matter what his powers are,” Dawn said, entering through the door to join them on the large balcony terrace. “It matters what he does with them.”

“This purification ritual is some kind of extremely modified lesser vampire curse.

“He’s a little like you,” she said. “He can lose his way without the people around him to keep him on the path.

“I’m assuming the hell at the end of this road you mentioned is not a good destination.” “It does have all the good music,” Jason said.

“Oh, you find me to be a better companion than excruciating pain. That’s very gratifying.”

“The tailor counts as a companion?” “I wear his work everywhere. Then there’s Clive’s wife.” “Clive’s wife is imaginary!” “Yeah,” Jason said, shaking his head sadly. “Poor bloke. But that’s why she’s barely above you.”

But as they are here, you can ask them for access to their magic.” “By which you mean ‘beat them up and take whatever magic theory they have so Clive and I can reverse engineer it.’” “See?” Dawn asked. “You’re on the right path already.”

“You are breathtakingly presumptuous,” Shako told Jason. “Of course I am,” Jason told him. “Have you not been paying attention?”

“The things that make you useful also make you trouble.”

Speaking of which, what do we do about this guy?” They both looked at Shako. “Should we draw something on his face before he comes to?”

“Relationships based around mutual benefits are exhausting. I like friendship. And trust.”

“This is turning into sad drinking,” he said, “and colourful drinks are for happy drinking.”

“The gods of Olympus?” “Petty, jealous, vain. The power of infinity but the flaws of a mortal.”

I have to acknowledge that your friend Jason is an innovator; it’s not often I encounter a form of torture that even the Order of the Reaper doesn’t know. I’m still unclear on what a Baywatch is.”

“When it comes to Jason, you’ll find that the very serious and the very silly go hand-in-hand.”

“He says that someday, you’re going to be diamond rank, and you’ll remember how you were treated at silver.”

“Home isn’t where you’re from, Carlos; it’s where you go back to.”

it’s easier to forgive someone who has wronged you than someone who has wronged the people you cherish.

what does it say about me, Carlos?” “That maybe all the powerful people worried about what about what you’re up to are right to be.” Jason's smile was that of a snake who found a nest of turtle eggs.

“You are operating on a different scale now. Volcanos don’t warn you not to walk into them.

Silver rank is the last time essence users get to advance by simply charging headlong into adventure. Enjoy this time.

“I know a lot more about everything than you.” He looked at her with arched eyebrows. “Everything that matters,” she corrected. “Eighties television does not count.”

Jason burst out laughing. “Travis was right! You are a magic space princess!” Dawn glared at him as he continued uproariously laughing. “You should watch out for chunky slugs who want to put you in a bikini.”

“The power to fulfil our deepest desires reveals what those desires are,” she mused, then looked at Jason with a smile. “And you have the desires of an idiot.” “Yep,” he agreed proudly.

finding out I’m a mini-universe is way up there as weird days go. Definitely top eight.” “Top eight?” “The list doesn’t always have to be a top ten.” “What are the other seven?” “I once found a pickle that looked like Bryan Cranston. Breaking Bad Bryan Cranston, not Malcolm in the Middle Bryan Cranston.” “The day you found a pickle is up there with finding out you’re a miniature universe?” “You didn’t let me finish. I then found another pickle—the same day, mind you—that looked like Malcolm in the Middle Bryan Cranston.” She gave him a flat look. “It had fallen in some hair,” he explained. “It was kind of gross to pick up, but how could you not?” “Very easily, I suspect. What were you doing that you kept finding pickles?” “Water skiing.” “You found multiple pickles while water skiing?” “I told you it was a weird day.”

Like those ninjas just now. I knew they weren’t a threat because there were too many of them.” “How does having too many make them not a threat?” “The Law of Conservation of Ninjutsu.”