I Choose Darkness

by Jenny Lawson

But, technically, wrapping paper is there only to hide the present until Christmas. If you hide everything behind the couch and then scream the name of your family member while you pull the gift out and launch it at them, it’s just as much of a surprise (possibly more if they’re not paying attention). It’s also ecologically friendly. You are saving paper—shiny, petroleum-based paper. So maybe I’m not only lazy. I’m carbon neutral. And lightly concussed from a box set of Steely Dan.

This was the night I discovered that bored parents can be dangerous and that it is very hard to wash urine out of tennis shoes.

Angsty teen me threw away a lot of stuff that I wish I’d been a little more careful with, including rationality, perspective, and my virginity.