I Choose Darkness

by Jenny Lawson

If you hide everything behind the couch and then scream the name of your family member while you pull the gift out and launch it at them, it’s just as much of a surprise (possibly more if they’re not paying attention).

I was brought up here in Texas with an emotionally questionable but entertaining taxidermist for a father, so dead animals are in my blood. (Not literally because I’m pretty sure that would give you salmonella at least.)