I Choose Darkness

by Jenny Lawson

Last year I did manage to get my mysteriously heavy and incredibly awkward fake Christmas tree up and decorated with our boxes of old, kitschy ornaments that all manage to clash with each other somehow, which was very gratifying, and I would like a medal thankyouverymuch.

But, technically, wrapping paper is there only to hide the present until Christmas. If you hide everything behind the couch and then scream the name of your family member while you pull the gift out and launch it at them, it’s just as much of a surprise (possibly more if they’re not paying attention).

Thanksgiving is similar, except that I do actually have a dish that I cook that day. You mix a can of cranberry sauce with a can of mandarin oranges and eat it out of a cereal bowl while your family questions your life choices.

Victor notes that dressing up dead animals in clothes actually makes my madness much more strange, and I’m officially banning him from reading over my shoulder because he is 100 percent wrong.

Me: But I need to finish Netflix. My editor: Finish what on Netflix? Me: Just finish Netflix. All of it. I think I’m close. My editor: You can’t finish Netflix. Me: Well, that sounds like a challenge. Also, clearly you haven’t had the same pandemic I have. My editor: Back to work, weirdo.

Age 2—ghost. Made from patterned sheets tied with yarn around my neck because choking hazards didn’t yet exist.

Age 4—witch again because, to paraphrase my mother, You will wear this shit until you outgrow it.

This was the night I discovered that bored parents can be dangerous and that it is very hard to wash urine out of tennis shoes.

(Wait . . . are pumpkin seeds vegetables? Because nuts and seeds are protein, so doesn’t that mean they’re meat? Hang on. Let me google it. Decide among yourselves which team you’re on. Jesus Christ. Google says pumpkins are fruits. WORST BERRY EVER.)

My editor: No idea. Originally people used to carve turnips at Halloween instead of pumpkins and—OMG YOU ARE TRYING TO DISTRACT ME. Me: Not on purpose. I just haven’t had my ADD meds yet, and I think I’m contagious.

Angsty teen me threw away a lot of stuff that I wish I’d been a little more careful with, including rationality, perspective, and my virginity.