I Choose Darkness

by Jenny Lawson

Me: But I need to finish Netflix. My editor: Finish what on Netflix? Me: Just finish Netflix. All of it. I think I’m close. My editor: You can’t finish Netflix. Me: Well, that sounds like a challenge. Also, clearly you haven’t had the same pandemic I have.

Angsty teen me threw away a lot of stuff that I wish I’d been a little more careful with, including rationality, perspective, and my virginity.

Cornhole: You know the garbage you have left after you eat a piece of corn on the cob? Trick question. That’s not garbage at all. It’s a toy! You let it dry out and then try to toss the cob into a hole in a piece of wood, and if you succeed you yell “YEAH! I GOT IT IN THE CORNHOLE!” It’s a sweet, old-fashioned kind of game for the older folk, and also very entertaining for everyone else who is aware that “cornhole” is just slang for “butthole.”