Nanny for the Neighbors

by Lily Gold

“You seem attached,” I note. “What’s not to get attached to? She’s the cutest kid I’ve ever seen.” He tweaks one of her pigtails, and she beams up at him, spitting applesauce down her chin. “Very ladylike,” he praises, wiping off her mouth.

My heartttttt

I stroke some of Cami’s hair off her cheek. She grabs my finger and starts chewing it happily. My heart melts. I’m pretty sure I’m in love with this kid already. “I’ll buy you as many presents as you want,” I tell her quietly. “Doshoodabay!” she babbles up at me, frog-kicking her legs. “Aw, you’re welcome.” “Ishbabady!” “Seriously. Don’t even mention it.”

GHHGHNGRTNJK SO FUCKING CUTE

“Sweet.” His phone beeps, and he checks it, grimacing. “I’m running behind. But call me, okay? Love you.” “Aww, thanks.” He narrows his eyes. “I love you,” he repeats pointedly. “You’re my number one guy.” “I love you so much,” he insists. “Couldn’t survive without you.” He groans. “One of these days, I’ll make you say it.”

Jack’s hand shoots out and wraps around my wrist, keeping me in place. “I have a crush on you,” he blurts out.

Ain't he twenty-nine?? I thought the term "crush" was legally evacuated from the vocabulary of anyone above thirteen

Cami drinks up her whole bottle without any extra encouragement, then starts to fuss again. Sebastian startles. “What did I do?” “Nothing. You did great. She just needs to be burped.” “Why?” “Babies can’t really burp by themselves. And they swallow air when they drink.” “That seems like an evolutionary issue,” he says dryly.

#1 Supportive, Empathetic Father

I actually—” I swallow down my pride, embarrassment flooding through me. “I really enjoyed the kiss. You know. Before I ran away.” He blinks, surprised. “You did?” My cheeks flush. “Yeah.” “Seriously?” “Yup.” “Oh.” He turns and looks out of the window. “Huh.”

STOP THE WAY I PICTURE HIM TURNING AWAY AND LONGINGLY STARING OUT THE WINDOW LIKE A FUCKING PRINCESS IN A CASTLE LMFAOO

I kissed him less than sixty seconds ago, but he’s okay with his roommate burrowing into my thigh like a sleepy kitten? Then again, Cyrus is clearly very tactile. Maybe he’s like this with everybody. He might not even be flirting. “Do you want to go on a date tonight?” Cy says lazily, reaching up to tug one of my curls. Nevermind, then.

“I just don’t like who I am, when I’m dating someone.” I frown. “What does that mean?” “Like…” Heat rises to her cheeks. “I realised a few years ago that whenever I date someone, I end up changing myself to fit what they like. If they like quiet people, I talk less. If they like loud people, I get more bubbly. If they like football, I’ll learn to like it too. I find all the things that make them happy, and I mould myself into that person. I don’t notice myself doing it, until we break up, and I realise that I’m nothing like the person that I was before. All of the things that I like and dislike just get swallowed up.”

“You feel okay? Not sore?” “You mean, from your giant dong?

STOP

“You shagged both of them?!” he squawks. I glance up at the ceiling. “Can you keep your voice down?” I hiss. “Apparently, they can hear into my flat.” He raises his voice. “YOU SHAGGED TWO OF YOUR NEIGHBORS, AND IT WAS THE BEST NIGHT OF YOUR LIFE? YOU’RE DYING TO DO IT AGAIN? YOU’RE RUINED FOR SINGLE-HOLE SEX FOREVER? YOU—ow!”

Subtle

“What about the last one?” he mumbles around the mouthful of dough. “You gonna get the full set?”

Give it a few chapters.

“What a prick,” Benny says from behind me. “I no longer think he’s hot.” “He’s an arrogant bastard.” “So arrogant,” Benny agrees. “Bet he wanks in front of the mirror. Bet he winks at his reflection after he comes.” “I appreciate that you’re trying to support me emotionally, but I really don’t need to think of my boss jerking off.”

A woman with a pink Bride to Be sash and an inflatable penis on her head

Let that sink in

“He’s so hot he breaks my brain.” He glances back over his shoulder. “Like—Jesus, the man has arms.” “Most men do, Benny. Is that your only requirement?” “And he’s nice,” he practically moans. “Do you know how hard it is to find a nice, hot man?” “Uh, yeah?” “Piss off. You just had a three-way.”

C: she defiantly thinks they’ll give her herpes L: oh, defiantly C: piss off. definitely L: Wish you were here :( L: are you working tonight L: please give Hunky Harry my number, I am literally begging you L: i will do ANYTHING for that man C: no C: its for your own good, he’s a nightmare C: Shows starting, gtg C tell mum happy bday from me C: love you

The audience screams as a spotlight shines down over Harry. He grins, winking at the crowd, then unravels a length of rubber hose from around his waist. He holds it suggestively between his legs and squeezes a hidden pump attached to one end. Water comes spurting out, showering the first few rows of guests, and the squeals reach a new crescendo.

My best friend's brother's name is Harry . . Wink wink

They end the number soaked and gasping. As does most of the audience. “Shit,” Benny mumbles, as they stand and take a bow. “I want to screw them both?”

LMAOOO

The dressing room door pushes open, and Cyrus steps out. He’s changed into a new outfit: a grey suit and white collared shirt. A silky tie hangs around his neck, and his hair has been combed back. My mouth practically waters. He looks like some kind of Fifty Shades-inspired wet dream.

YUMMYYYYYYYYYYYYY

My eyes are drawn to Cyrus like he’s magnetised. He’s looking right at me. As I watch, he blows me a kiss. “I think that one on the end fancies me,” Benny whispers loudly.

LMAO

One guy struts towards the edge of the stage, encouraging women to stuff money down his pants. Another starts doing push-ups on the back of the chair. A third looks like he’s humping the floor. Benny and I collapse into laughter. “Dude, this is so funny.” Benny shouts over the music, choking on his drink. “Bet you’re glad I got you a ticket now, huh?”

I'm genuinely entertained just reading it

“GET HIS KNOB OUT!”

NOT "HIS KNOB"

His hard package

:(

“I went to a therapist a while back, and she said it’s an extension of the fight-or-flight response. Fight, flight, freeze, or fawn. When I’m in stress, I—fawn. I try to make people like me. It’s just a reflex, I don’t think about it, but it’s awful. My voice changes, the way I speak changes. I’m so submissive, even when I don’t want to be. I’m always happy to do favours and help people out, but if I think someone is taking me for granted, it kind of takes me back. I don’t want to be that desperate, exploited kid again, Seb. I can’t.”

I’m a sucker for people playing with my hair.

SO REAL

I float awake to the sound of voices. “Quick,” someone hisses. “Oh my God, they’re so cute. Get a picture.” “Don’t,” Seb’s voice warns. “But it’s your first ever cuddle, mate! We need to memorialise it!”

“I was a five-foot-two twelve-year-old

I was taller than him at that age. Like, WAY talller. Between 5'6'' and 5'7''

Wordlessly, I pull my wallet out of my jeans and flip it open, shaking out a little foil packet. Beth goes still. “Now, why on Earth would you bring that to your parents’ house?” “Would you believe me if I told you that Cyrus brings them back from the club and stuffs them into everybody’s pockets in case we ever get lucky?” “Probably.” “He doesn’t.”

“Holy shit, Seb,” she mumbles. “You’re a freaking nuclear weapon.” It was just as good for her, then. Thank God. I nuzzle into her soft curls, breathing in her sweet apple scent. “My dick causes widespread death and destruction?” “It belongs in a fucking containment facility. Made of concrete. Buried fifty feet underground. Somewhere near the Earth’s core, where no poor, innocent girl will accidentally stumble across it and get fucked to pieces.” She twitches as an aftershock runs through her. “I think I’m dead. My vagina exploded.”

“You’re usually so uptight. But you’re so soft, underneath it all.” “What were you expecting?” I wrap a curl around my finger, tugging it and watching it spring back into place. “Silent missionary sex where you counted your thrusts and thought about the upcoming tax season to get yourself off.”

If you were an actor, I wouldn’t get mad at you for kissing your co-star.”

I read that wrong and am now picturing a random actor (COUGHadamCOUGHsandler) kissing their coaster

“Open up,” a deep voice says. I do, fully expecting a dream-dong in my mouth,

CRYINNGGGGGG WHAT THE FUCK IS A DREAM DONG

“Don’t mind me,” he mumbles sleepily, laving me with his tongue. “Just suckin’ a tit.”

Ok

“Okay, what about, I give you a lap dance every time you suck me off?” I consider. “Can I pick the music?” He narrows his eyes at me. “No. I know how your mind works. I’m not grinding on you to ‘Is This The Way to Amarillo,’ or any song from Six the Musical.” I grin. “Please? It would be so funny—”

Cyrus moans deeply as I pull away from him, reaching after me. “Hey! I was busy!” “Suck Jack’s nips,” I offer, grabbing one of the guys’ shirts.

LMAO

“I don’t think she should come, either,” Jack says quietly. “She’ll just be a distraction.” Cyrus sounds exasperated. “She’s a nanny. She’s supposed to make your life easier, not harder.” “Well. She doesn’t.” Jack pauses. “I don’t want her there.”

That is NOT the Jack I know vro

“Excuse me?” I turn to see a middle-aged woman across the aisle leaning towards us, disapproval all over her face. “But where is that child’s mother?” Cyrus slings an arm around me and puts his head on my shoulder. “She doesn’t have one. Don’t be homophobic.”

LMAOO

He squints down the aisle. “We need one of those massive beds kings used to have orgies in.”

So real but not even in a sexual way

“Yes. Not very politically correct, of course, but the truth of the matter is, it’s impractical to place females in high-ranking positions.” Sebastian coughs. Cami frowns. She’s either outraged by the injustice, or about to poop.

I’m so sad I just don’t know what to do anymore. I want to crumble into atoms and disappear.

You already are atoms, my love.

“Are you guys clean?” They all nod. Jack raises an eyebrow at Cyrus. “What, even you?” “What’s that supposed to mean?” Jack shrugs. “It’s just, I know you must meet a lot of girls at the club—” “I’m a professional! I! Don’t! Put! My! Dick! In! My! Clients!”

Seb does

“You can’t go in there,” he declares. I blink up at him. “Why not? I just want some coffee.” “We… uh.” He looks behind him. There’s a sudden loud clatter from inside the kitchen. “I was trying to make pancakes. But I screwed up and burned them.” I try to look over his shoulder. He’s over a foot taller than me, so it doesn’t really work. “Really? It’s probably not that bad. I don’t smell burning.” Jack hesitates. “I mean, I exploded them. Not burned. Exploded. I get those words mixed up sometimes.” I frown. “How did you explode a pancake—” “I used the mixer and got batter everywhere,” he says quickly. “Absolute carnage. Seb’s trying to get it off the ceiling tiles right now.” “That’s okay, babe. I can help clean it up.” I try to push past him. He grabs my shoulders, pushing me back. “I’m afraid that’s not possible,” he says, wide-eyed. “It’s too shameful. You’ll fall out of love with me immediately. For the sake of our relationship, you cannot go in there.”

uproariously,

good word