Starter Villain

by John Scalzi

But then, no one ever needs a cat these days. That’s not why we have cats. We have cats because they amuse us and because otherwise our clothes would lack the texture only cat hair can provide.

Besides, when a kitten walks up to you and makes demands, what are you going to do? Say no? I repeat: I am not a monster.

“When clients choose not to take floral arrangements to the gravesite or home with them, I sometimes keep the vases and stands for later use.” “And you think you’re going to find a use for this vase at another memorial service?” I’m not going to lie, I found the thought of the “Suck it, motherfucker” vase being used at some very proper old-money funeral amusing. “Probably not,” Chesterfield admitted. “But if you don’t mind, I might share it on a private funeral director’s site I visit. We live for this stuff.”

“And that’s enough to zap a satellite?” “It’s enough that I could carve my initials into the Sea of Tranquility, Charlie.” “I … have no way to verify that,” I said. “We have a telescope if you want to check.”