Starter Villain

by John Scalzi

had emerged from the backyard bushes and informed me through meowing that she lived with me now.

“So you’re saying I should be homeless so a trio of financially secure middle-aged people can put to rest their psychological issues with their father.” “I wouldn’t put it like that. But it’s not wrong, either.” “Therapy would be cheaper,” I noted.

But then, no one ever needs a cat these days. That’s not why we have cats. We have cats because they amuse us and because otherwise our clothes would lack the texture only cat hair can provide. Besides, when a kitten walks up to you and makes demands, what are you going to do? Say no? I repeat: I am not a monster.

“They’re just terribly comfortable,” I said. “I think everyone will be wearing them in the future.”

“When people name cats, they usually do it in one of three categories: food, physical characteristics or mythology,” Morrison explained. “So, you name your cat Sugar, or Smudge, or Zeus. You went with mythology.”

“Are you aware when you’re rude? Or does it just sneak up on you?”

The building had a smell that I, at Dad’s service, had described to my siblings as “Floral Neutral.” They had not been amused.

floral beauty, and rotten sentiment.

They all stood in a manner that suggested that at some point in their lives they had spent a lot of their time at parade rest.

“Paid internship, I hope,” I joked. OF COURSE, Hera typed back. WE’RE ANIMALS, NOT MONSTERS.

You’re needed for something else entirely.” I nodded. “Useful idiot.” “I was going to say ‘administration.’”

Don’t swim with the dolphins during a labor dispute. No matter how much they try to convince you otherwise.”

“The reason that they look like everybody else is because ‘villain’ is not a state of mind or value judgment,” Yang went on. “It’s a job title.”

And what I heard was that villains, at least for the purposes of this particular human resources presentation, were not bad people, and not evil people. What they were, were professional disrupters: the people who looked at systems and processes; found the weak spots, loopholes and unintended consequences of each of them; and then exploited them, either for their own advantage or the advantage of their client base. These activities, Yang explained, were neither inherently good nor bad in themselves—their “goodness” or “badness” was entirely dependent on the perspective of the observer.

“A stupid villain threatens, Charlie. A smarter villain offers a service.”

“It’s mutual assured destruction, with a subscription fee.” Morrison nodded. “This is why we don’t have to blackmail anyone, Charlie. They blackmail each other. And pay us the fee.”

“So we’re like Spotify, but for evil.” “We’re much less evil than Spotify. We actually pay a living wage to the people whose work we’re selling.”

“Because people in charge of things are never spied on,” the dolphin said. “Spying is why you have the cats. It’s what they do.”

“Are there other smart animals? Dogs, maybe?” NO DOGS, Hera typed. DOGS ARE THE WORST. THEY’LL SELL YOU OUT FOR A TREAT AND A HEAD PAT.

Business is business; it’s different from respect, and friendship.

“No, no, not murder, assassination,” Dobrev corrected. “There’s a difference?” “Not to the person it’s done to, no,” Dobrev admitted. “They’re still dead. But one is business, the other is … chaos.”

“War is like any business, Charlie. You have to speculate. Estimate. Figure out how long it will last, make your plans for that length to maximize the profit across the whole thing. The founding members of the Lombardy Convocation were all invested in the Boer War. Industrialists. Manufacturers. Financiers. They thought the war would last years longer than it did.”

“Perhaps ‘can’t’ is not the right word. But killing is not optimal. There would be police reports, even here. There would be news reports. There would be attention.”

They were all performatively Doing a Business for the benefit of all the rest of them.

“This place is like a Faberge egg with garbage inside, Charlie. It’s pretty on the outside, but it smells the closer you get to it.”

“This is fucking hazing, Charlie. This is how shitheads bond.

“They’re trapped.” “You’re not trapped if you don’t want to leave.

“Being in a room full of people who are simultaneously billionaires and out of cash is a wild thing.”

“I expected the members of Earth’s leading society of villains to be smarter,” I said. “I don’t know why.” “They’re smarter in movies and books.” “They would have to be, wouldn’t they?” Morrison said. “In the real world, they can be what people like them usually are: a bunch of dudes born into money who used that money to take advantage of other people to make even more money. It works great until they start believing that being rich makes them smart, and then they get in trouble. Unless they find someone else to take advantage of.”

Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake,’”

I’M A CAT, I CAN HANDLE RISK. WORST-CASE SCENARIO IS I LOSE EVERYTHING AND I STILL GET FED AND HAVE A PLACE TO NAP. “That’s … a surprisingly chill way of thinking about things.” SOMETIMES IT’S BETTER NOT TO BE A HUMAN, CHARLIE.

“Your uncle didn’t want to pay for aesthetics. He was a practical villain.”

One, fuck you. Two, we’re dolphins. As a species, we’re complete assholes. Have you never watched the Discovery Channel? We’re almost as bad as cats.”

“You’re buying time, in other words.” “And all it costs me are things I couldn’t use and don’t want,” I said.

“He doesn’t have the creativity to do this. He doesn’t have the balls. He doesn’t have the experience. He’s just some”—Gratas started gesticulating wildly—“starter villain, not someone who could have thought to do this.”

I’m learning that people like you don’t have friends, they just have people they think they can use. And that’s what happened to you. You got used by my uncle, just the way he wanted to use you. It’s not me whose strings were being pulled here.”