When We Were

by Diana Elliot Graham

The emotional dependence we shared didn’t just tether us together, it served as the noose for any other relationships. And we preferred it that way.

His tone is smooth and charming, but the challenge and possession is clear. Our girl.

“Number two,” leaning his mouth closer to mine, as if planning to speak the words directly into it. “How much... do you like these tights?”

“If you want me, you have to say it, baby.”

The substance and strength of him, knocking the air from my lungs. But of what air I am able to inhale, all I breathe is him.

“You can beg me if you want, and don’t think I won’t get off on every fucking second of it, but baby, I’m the one who should be on my knees begging to have you.”

“I’ve told you. I’m not worried about keeping score, AB. You can have all the points, but I get you.”

I thought I was lost to him, my body owned by him, but that isn’t it. We are completely lost, together.

The only time I ever saw him without any restraint was when he was inside of me, and it undid me every time.

“Not a big deal? You can’t be that blind. He’s in love with you. He teases you, pushes you, because it’s all you’ll give him. Why else do you think he stormed out of here this morning, when your boyfriend showed up? He might not have said it, but it’s been clear to everyone for a while. And you seem really happy, but he would shatter that happiness in a goddamn second if it meant he was the one who could put it back together. If it meant he could have you.”

But that’s the problem with drawing lines in the sand. When you’re not looking, a wave, a wind, or a petulant child can easily wash them away.

“Since when did you get a heart?” I laughed. “Don’t say that, when you’re the only one who’s seen it.”

I can feel the memory of them in this room. But the taste of him in my mouth is different now. Not the dark chocolate that coated our lips, but the saltiness of my tears as we take what we need from each other.

I went over there with the intention of testing the waters. The deep end I floated away in. Never realizing how easy it was to drown in him.

I don’t blame him for the end of our relationship like I should, I blame him for the beginning. The parts of it that made me fall so quickly, that positioned him as the sun, only lending me his warmth, thawing out the frozen parts of me. Layer by layer melting it away in his natural glow. I blame him for that. The part that left me completely exposed now.

“But I’d rather wake up every day as the bitch you think I am, than wake up one more day as the idiot who thinks you actually care about me. Maybe one day, you will realize why this was never going to be possible, but that’s not today, and that’s not my problem.”

A good man would have chased you, fought for you. God, I should have fucking protected you.

“It’s not about us being together now, but I’m here because I needed you to understand, without a shadow of a doubt, how I felt about you when we were. I need you to understand how I felt. How I still feel, in many ways. So, Arden, while there might never be closure for us, finally, there can be understanding.”

“I’ve missed you. You were the love of my life, and I will always care about you more than circumstance allows.”

“So it doesn’t matter how we choose to remember what happened between us. I know two things...” He looks deep in my eyes, preparing himself for something that seems difficult to admit. “One.” He holds up a finger, and lets the soft smile pull on his lips. “I loved you.” “Two.” He extends a second finger, and the smile falls flat. “Not enough.”

As I reach the end of this story, for the second time, I can feel my eyes well with tears. And it’s not in mourning, but acknowledgement that some houses, no matter how beautiful, only have blueprints.