When We Were

by Diana Elliot Graham

As I delivered what felt like my thesis on the practicality of hot chocolate, I watched his eyes as they focused so intently on what I was saying. Registering each word, his attention dipping from my eyes to my lips as I formed the thoughts into words that came spilling out. He picked up and pocketed each one, dropping them like coins into a mental piggy bank.

I love the way this was described

“Wow. This is the best gift I’ve ever received from a suitor,” I say as I bring my hand to my chest, and fake accent to mimic a Southern debutante. Why? Who knows? But there is something about being in his presence that released the quirkiest parts of me as well. “Yeah? You think your family can throw those goats in for the dowry now?” And he responds playfully in kind.

Im starting to love this couple and im scared to see what happens to them :(

It may be Josh and Ethan’s couch, but it’s only Josh’s shirt. Introducing Ethan as someone else he’s going to worry about seems like the only thing that could take this miscommunication from bad to worse.

I feel the age difference being a problem. Lack of maturity. I dont think hes going to take a liking in her friends.

And I don’t know if that’s a bad thing.

It is a bad thing

“Oh, Miami, you’re always hiding something, he just doesn’t know you well enough to realize it yet.”

My goodness this is intense... Very nervous!!!

I wasn’t bothered because you have a history, I’m not looking to read an empty book. Arden, you’re brilliant, and you’re gorgeous, you should have fucking history.

He took it well but shes denying rhe fact that josh and her are messy

As I turn up to him, my nose grazes his chin. His head resting back against the sofa, eyes closed, beginning to drift off. It’s a slow-motion avalanche. I love you. I think. “I love you.” I say. I can’t gauge time in this moment. It crawls. So. Slowly. He doesn’t immediately open his eyes when the smile overtakes his face. He doesn’t try to hide it, not his smile, and not the emotions feeding it. Slowly lifting his head, bringing his hand to cup my cheek. The pressure of my teeth in the soft skin of my lip keeps me focused on that feeling, and not the one I just laid bare to him. His thumb so tenderly runs over my lip and plucks it free. Immediately landing his own mouth against mine in replacement. His kiss, our kiss, builds, slowly. His hands pull me deeper and deeper into him. Stealing breath from my lungs and clearing the chaos from my mind. He cleared my mind so he could fill it completely. So, there would not be noise or distraction when his hands held my face, and his eyes held mine. “I love you.” Replenishing the silence with only that singular thought.

Sweet love but im so confused and curious to what will happen next and when!

“Hi, Reid.” “Arden.”

HOW DID I NOT CATCH THIS!?

“Thanks... Reid, you should know, the baby, it, it’s yours.”

WHAT?!

“I’m obviously kidding! I mean, jeez, this would be the longest gestation period in history. You can calm down.”

Omg stop playinggvggggg

“No–does he get you? At least with Ethan, everyone knew you guys were just banging each other’s brains out. But we still saw you–this guy? You’re never around. You jumped ahead into his life. You want to celebrate the end of your freshman year? What freshman year? Not the one you told me you wanted. You said you wanted to ‘do college,’ remember? But you chose to just do him instead.”

Ugh boyfriends suck in college.

He’s more focused on containing himself, than engaging with me. Refusing to show any concern, just looking to run away from a public display.

He cares too much about his outward appearance

He was so much more concerned with whatever self-respect he had, or worse, perceptions of those around us, than focusing on what I needed from him.

My thoughts exactly

But I’m not going to chase someone who doesn’t want to be chased. No one has time or energy to play games like that. She made it clear it was over. So, it’s over.

You know shess young an immature so be the bigger person and voice your thoughts my guy!!!

The emotion I possess is paralyzing. It’s resignation. I’m resigned.

Gosh all of my brekup emotions are bubblng over right now

“Maybe if I had said something, maybe if I had done something, things would have been different. But, Arden,” He takes the breath I haven’t been able to.

This closure is killing me

“Don’t be ridiculous. You’re not leaving. I hear they are making you an official offer next week.” He switches topics, covering off the big thing I have looming.

If josh didnt put thoughts in ABs head they couldve lasted

“No, Josh.” I let out a sigh with a great steady calmness. Channeling someone else entirely. “I didn’t want to fuck you. I never wanted to fuck you.”

GET IT GIRL!!!

A good man would have chased you, fought for you.

Crying in da club rn

There’s no closure for us, for this. There wasn’t then, and there isn’t now. We can only choose to accept it. Everything that happened between us, after us. All the time that’s passed, I didn’t know what I was missing. It was you. It was all of this.

Oh gosh to live with agony the regret

I think about my home, my career, my fiancée, my terrible cat, these things should ground me. It’s not that they don’t. But sitting here across from her, it’s easy to see how this could have been our life.

The man that never regrets is regretting so much

But even forcing it closed didn’t wholly erase the story from memory.

“Reid, you can miss me now, the way I miss you. The way I think I’ll always miss you. But I learned a long time ago that you can miss something without wanting it back. Knowing that what you miss is just the memory. The version we preserve to protect the imprint of something, or someone, important.”

“But memories aren’t always honest, ours clearly weren’t. They are filtered and viewed through whatever lens we need them to be. And you don’t make decisions on that. You can’t build a life on the blueprints of memories alone.”

stay in this position of acceptance. I am not the man to follow Alice down the rabbit hole.

He had offered me his friendship, and it felt sincere. In this moment, when I know I don’t have him, that there was no other part of him he wanted to give, I would take that, not in consolation, but knowing that his friendship, independent of anything else, was worth more than any other I had.

Clueless

We stand here on the corner as we have so many times before. Knowing the significance that we had to go our separate ways. Not just in this moment, but in all the ones that follow. I wrapped my arms around him once more, quickly, before he can react.

Dying inside

He shoved his hands into his pockets and cleared his throat.

WHYYYYYYYYY SOBBING

“One.” He holds up a finger, and lets the soft smile pull on his lips. “I loved you.” “Two.” He extends a second finger, and the smile falls flat. “Not enough.”

Killed me

Freckles spotted across her nose make her look young as she looks up at me, and all I can see is her then. Standing on the corner outside the coffee shop, in that silly political tee shirt. She stole my breath away. But I would never be the thief of her happiness. We both know we have embers left in the ashes. We can either stoke them, feed them the oxygen they need to grow into flames again, knowing that that fire would burn down the lives we’ve made, or we could suffocate them. Instead, taking the deep breaths we need to fill our own lungs with air and allow ourselves to breathe. There isn’t enough oxygen for both.

“You were the love of my life also.”

CRYINGGGGGGGGGGG WHYYYYYY

To my best friend, who never let losing a great love, prevent her from loving greatly.

Rereading my notes. Crying all over again